Sorry for taking a while.
Here’s what I have to say about the chapter:
Caustizer and CT’s comments on Saurolo made me think of something else: in past chapters, when Ms. Swimmer has referenced Ducky being captured, absent, in need of rescue, etc., has she made any mention of Saurolo? I would expect her to express equal concern for both of them, and so she should speak of “Ducky
and Saurolo” in most of those instances (except from cases in which Ducky is relevant to the subject at hand, but Saurolo is not). For that matter, Saurolo has hardly been mentioned at all by anyone besides Ducky (as far as I can recall); in revamping the earlier chapters, this is something you might want to address.
His other companion, a brown Runner* was struck with a javelin and fell to the ground.
*Insert comma.
The clearing itself was unremarkable* with verdant grass gently waving in the breeze and a pile of what appeared to be a pile of brown nuts[/COLOR].
The highlighted portion should be deleted. Also, another comma might be in order here.
*He got up and noticed* to his horror* * the enemy dinosaurs had followed them to the clearing.
*Commas.
*Insert “that”.
(*Comment written in spoilervision*)
Somehow, I found the scene at the beginning even more disturbing when it turned out to be a game played by dinosaur children than if it had been real.By the way, you’re very good at coming up with names for LBT characters based on the scientific names of their species (or closely related species). I rather liked the ones you had for the characters at the beginning of the chapter. I’m pretty sure you got “Tabura” from
Muttaburrasaurus and “Krito” from
Kritosaurus, and I’m guessing
Nomingia for “Mona”, but I’m stumped by “Shan”.
"Raptix, you have to tell her," Littlefoot said, looking at the stalks
The end of this sentence is missing a period.
Ms. Swimmer, who had finished eating her meal* turned around and noticed Raptix standing behind her.
*Comma.
Wouldn’t the gang have learned from Ducky by now that Saurolo was definitively dead? (Also, I second what CT said on the subject of Saurolo.)
At the same time Hyp's sliding kick took place, Grey-Wing* along with Quetzal, Pterano, and Long-Wing, landed on the sidelines.
*There should be a comma here. Also, it may be redundant to include the words “along with”.
I liked how you handled Mo’s scouting mission; it was both interesting and refreshing to have some of the narrative done from the perspective of a basically neutral character who is uncertain or reluctant about getting involved in the war. And while I STRONGLY dislike racism and discrimination, I thought it was clever that you had Thal be prejudiced against landwalkers, seeing them as crude savages.
"I along with two of my herd members will listen in. You go explore other rivers," Mo said in Water-Speak.
Do you think it would make more sense for Mo to say “pod members”, “water brothers/sisters”, or even simply “water kin”, instead of “herd members”?
The polished black spearhead the Fast-Runners wore as necklaces gleamed in the afternoon sun.
Should be “spearhead
s”.
The dinosaurs then dispersed, paying no heed to the dolphin-like creature cavorting in the lake.
I can’t remember if you’ve previously used modern-day terms to describe things in the LBT world, but if you’re trying not to use anachronistic descriptors, I would suggest replacing “dolphin” with “fish”.
"Let me get this straight; you all are leaving the Great Valley?" the light green Crested Swimmer asked.
Since you already mentioned the Crested Swimmer’s color in the previous sentence, you might as well delete this.
Blackjack shook his head. He felt the anger rising within him. "Look, can't we find a peaceful solution to this? Like* maybe* I dunno, negotiate with the Great Valley dinosaurs?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice neutral.
*Insert commas and/or ellipses (…) here.
"Come on, Petrie* this isn't too bad. The smell of the Big Water and the brightfall are just beautiful," he said.
*Comma.
From Mo’s report to Grandpa Longneck:
"Mo learn of group of leaf eaters called Shade Sky Hunters. Mo think they trained to kill flyers. And Mo learn some leaf eaters mad at Styracus and leaving valley*"
*Period.
While Mo isn’t known for having an especially extensive Leafeater vocabulary, it kind of bugged me that he used exactly the same words in both of his reports (the one he made to the flyers, and the one to the Great Valley Elders).
Finally, a bit of late feedback for Chapters 26 and 27: At the end, when the gang first learns from Rime that Ducky is still alive, Littlefoot states that they should go to sleep and talk about it more in the morning. I would expect that the gang would want to hear more right then and there, with sleep being the last thing on their minds. Furthermore, I would expect them to tell the council (especially Ms. Swimmer) of this information as soon as they had the chance, rather than taking the time to play a game first. Also, Rime only mentions Ducky when he shares this information (and he never heard anything about Chomper in Chapter 14), but at the beginning of Chapter 28, Mr. Threehorn approves the expedition to rescue Ducky AND Chomper. If you change the chapters so that Rime overhears information about Chomper as well as Ducky in #14, there should be a scene in which he shares this information as well (in which you could also have Ms. Swimmer express concern for Saurolo by asking if he knows anything about him as well); otherwise the GV dinosaurs should be unaware of the fact that Chomper is on Cloud Island along with Ducky (though it is plausible that they would suspect he was there). Finally, when the elders are voting on the name for the Warriors’ Council, they do so with declarations of “in favor”, which Caustizer considered unrealistic.
