LBT the story of Cody

[Chomper]

Once long ago in a not so distant world of dinosaurs a young Ceratosaurus named Cody was born, but alas his parents died protecting him and his doomed brothers in an earthshake. Forced to live on his own he befrended a young Utahraptor named Vector, his story starts here.

Cody yawned and streached, the sun was shining and it felt great, he looked over and saw that Vector was still asleep so he got up and walked to the stream were he and Vector had camped. Cody saw a big fish and dove in to catch it, he came up with a mouth full of nothing and Vector laughing at him uncontrolably.

"Whats so funny!" Cody asked. "The fact you claim to be a great hunter and cant catch a fish is whats funny." said Vector. "Well if your so good you catch something to eat for us!" said Cody. "I already did" answered Vector holding up two huge rats.

Suddenly a huge shadow blocked the sun and Cody and Vector looked up to the sinester and spine chilling smile of Mr. Grins the Spinosaurus.

Uh i think we should run now screamed Cody

-What do you think so far?

[Chomper]

Vector: yea i think your right!

Both Cody and Vector started to run, but they were no match for Mr. Grins stride and soon he was breathing down their necks, but luckly there was a group of rocks that they both dove into. Mr. Grins, being the big behemoth that he was couldnt get to them no mater how hard he tried, so he went off in search of an easier meal.

Cody: i think he's gone now.
Vector: are you sure cause i dont want to be his next meal!
Cody: yea i'm pretty sure he's gone.

Vector and Cody climbed out of the rocks and stumbled upon a group of young longnecks by themselfs, Cody being naturally friendly wanted to go and make friends, but suddenly he was hit with this powerfull urge to hunt, and he suddenly went berserk and attacked and killed one longneck. Vector who had no scrupples with killing loved this new transformation of Cody. Cody after seeing what he had done was horrified.

Cody: what have i done!
Vector: what do you mean what have i done! you got us a meal!
Cody: i didnt mean to kill him, i wanted to be friends!
Vector: you wanted to be friends? what kind of sharptooth are you!
Cody: a kind one, i dont want to become a mindless killing machine like Mr. Grins, or you aparently.

Vector snarled at that insult and jumped to attack Cody, but Cody had seen this attack coming and caught Vector in his jaws and threw him to the ground.
Vector was outraged. He jumped and slashed at Cody who had his back turned to Vector thinking the fight was over. Vector put two long and deep slashes into Codys back and several bite marks into his neck before Cody could pull Vector off his back. Cody then slammed Vector repeatedly into the rocks and then threw the uncountious raptor into the rocks and walked off weak and bloody.

[Chomper]

Cody was near death and dragging himself along the ground twards what looked to be a giant mountain with the promise of shade and a cool place to pass on when he suddenly passed out. He awakend to the sound of what seemed to be 10 young dinosaurs, with a sharptooth among them. The ten dinos were littlefoot, chomper, ruby, cera, petrie, spike, ducky, ali, shorty, and rhett.

Chomper: is he ok?
Littlefoot: i dont know he's pretty beat up
Ruby: it looks like he was in a fight with a fastbitter for the fight dirty.
Rhett: i still say we git rid of him, he looks dangerous
Shorty: i'm with Rhett on this one Littlefoot
Cera: i agree with Shorty and Rhett
Petrie: me agree with Cera
Ali: i think we should let him stay like Littlefoot says
Chomper: would you have left me out there if i was bloody and almost dead? I say we let him stay. Give him a chance like you did me.
Ducky: he's waking up, he is, he is

They all turned to look at Cody who only saw blurry spots surrounding him. It took him a minute to realise that he was surrounded by mostly leaf eaters with the lone exception of a sharptooth.

Chomper: are you ok whoever you are/
Cody: my name is Cody and i'm really weak right now all i remember is running and a fight about something.

Cody remembered everything that happened but he was not about to say what really happened in front of the leaf eaters. He made a goal to talk to the other sharptooth about his problem.

Cody: where am i?
Littlefoot: hi, your in the great vally. I'm littlefoot, this is spike, ducky, chomper, ali, rhett, shorty, petrie, ruby, and cera

oh great thought Cody now i'm in the safehaven of his prey. this cant end well.

[Caustizer]

Keep going - I think your onto something with this!

[Vilstrup]

Okay, this is only for help, so don't take anything as a flame.

The story, as far as I can see, is good. I defiantly look forward to the continuation of it.

However, there are things, that I think you should consider.
First off, I'm a pretty big fan of descriptions. They being about a character or the enviroment, is as important to me, as the interaction between the characters.
I therefore recommend, you write how Cody looks like. Sure we know that he's a Ceratosaurus, but what is his colours, does he have anything charactiristic to his persona. And what about Vector. He's a Utahraptor, but what else. Don't expect your reader to know, what kind of dinosaur it is.

Personally, I would recommend making a character-sheet on a characters background, traites, species, gender, appearance etc.

Lastly, I'd say you should read the story through again for errors. You might now exterminate them all, but they wouldn't make a problem reading your story, if you could get ridt of the most of them.

Else, I'd say keep up the good work.

[Serris]

Vilstrup has said everything that I want to say but have something else to add:

The beginning of your story is in prose but you later switch to script style (at least for the dialogue). I would recommend choosing either prose or script style and sticking with that chosen style. It is confusing to reader to have to switch between both styles.

[Chomper]

thx i will keep that in mind