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The Land Before Time: Far Away Home

Caustizer · 415 · 77241

Pangaea

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Wow...whoa...wow... :o :blink :wow My adrenaline was flowing all the way through that one. Awesome chapter!

So that’s the Black Dawn...the eruption of the Black Mountain. :o I second what Serris said. You did an awesome job of conveying the scale and destructiveness of the event. (And the scariest thing is that that really did happen, at least once, sometime in the late Cretaceous, to the dinosaurs of western North America. :blink:) After the last chapter, I was anticipating (as you probably intended) that Eybron’s artificial earthshake would destroy the Verdant Valley. Then you go and have a volcano blow up on us as a result of the earthshake. :wow Incredible! I’m eager to see how you plan to top this.

It’s hardly worth noting the irony that the gang survives the eruption by being outside the “safety” of the Verdant Valley and following Sky through the explicitly (and apparently infamously) treacherous Steppes.

Something that just occurred to me: the gang would probably want to wait a while before leaving the cave, because I would imagine that anything the pyroclastic flow had touched (including the ground itself) would be scorching hot (probably covered with volcanic ash and rocks as well). Of course, realistically, convection probably would have killed them inside the cave, but their method of survival in this scenario (which, if I recall, I suggested to you :oops) is no less realistic than allowing the characters to stand on rocks floating in lava, as in the first movie. :p

As for Sky’s secret, I regret to say that I wasn’t emotionally bowled over by a wave of shock at the revelation, but I definitely wasn’t expecting what he had to say. :!

I noticed that the chapter was lacking a postscript message of:
Quote
<End of Act III>
Does that mean there’s a Part IX to this Act? :blink:

Okay...on to the spellchecking:

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“That spire right over there,” finished Littlefoot as he his eyes met the greatest likeness of the Great Wall he could hope see.
That word should be deleted.
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“That spire right over there,” finished Littlefoot as his eyes met the greatest likeness of the Great Wall he could hope to see.
That word should be added.

Quote from: Serris,Mar 20 2010 on  04:48 PM
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The rock was shaped similar to a rough cone emerging from the rocky desert like a needle piercing the heavens.
This sentence sounds awkward. I like the simile though.
It would probably be improved by changing “similar” to “similarly” (I’m pretty sure that’s a grammar mistake), and adding a comma after either “cone” or “desert”.

Quote from: Serris,Mar 20 2010 on  04:48 PM
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“But what about you’re far away home,”
"you're" should be "your"
In addition to the error Serris pointed out, the comma at the end of this line should be a question mark.

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Turing around the longneck came face to face with a pack of snarling, hungry velociraptors with their teeth fully bared. At there head was the one Sky had mentioned, Redgar.
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Turning around, the longneck came face to face with a pack of snarling, hungry velociraptors with their teeth fully bared. At their head was the one Sky had mentioned, Redgar.
Note the comma I suggested near the beginning of the sentence. Also, I’m being pedantic here, but isn’t it more appropriate for an LBT story to call them “fast biters”, and not “velociraptors”?

Quote from: Serris,Mar 20 2010 on  04:48 PM
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A mushroom cloud of colossal proportions rose high up into the sky, it’s errie red afterglow still lighting up the landscape. The Black Mountain had exploded.
"errie" should be "eerie".
Also, “it’s” should be “its”.

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The sonic shattering wave travelled through the bedrock breaking it up and triggering mass collapse, but the impact was directed away from the Verdant Valley by the presence of the massive volcano – the Black Mountain.
There should definitely be a comma following the word “bedrock”.



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Sky

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That was really intense!  :lol: Awesome chapter as always!  :)
...
*sigh* I wish I could say more things so I'd be more of a help instead of saying the same line after every chapter...   :neutral


Caustizer

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I’m eager to see how you plan to top this.

The original plan with the story was to have 3 Acts - One about the Occular, One about the Black Dawn, and One about the Eye of the World, but I found that there was a lot more I wanted to do prior to the Black Dawn.  Believe me there is a lot of content for Part IV that in some cases will be equally good (though somewhat less destructive of course :p).  No give-aways though.

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As for Sky’s secret, I regret to say that I wasn’t emotionally bowled over by a wave of shock at the revelation, but I definitely wasn’t expecting what he had to say. :!

I had planned to have Sky working for Tyron the entire story, but by the end of Act II I realized that this revelation isn't going to sit well with the readers because you had come to admire him too much.

Nonetheless, Sky has some atonement to do and that is a key plot element of Act IV (again no give-aways, though they haven't forgot about his star day  :lol)

Expect to see your OC as well in the coming parts.


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I noticed that the chapter was lacking a postscript message of:
Quote
<End of Act III>
Does that mean there’s a Part IX to this Act? :blink:

Yes there will be anoter part that will conclude Act III.  No give-aways, though it will be called Part IX: Raining Ashes

Also, on the topic of the spell checks I will work on fixing the chapter, though I am somewhat surprised at the devotion of you guys Serris and Pangaea to the subject.  I guess you really enjoyed the chapter, otherwise you wouldn't take the time to make it perfectly written as I desire as well.  :lol

Quote
That was really intense! Awesome chapter as always!
...
*sigh* I wish I could say more things so I'd be more of a help instead of saying the same line after every chapter...

Your specialty is artwork, and you do a stunning job of it.  I don't expect flowing reviews from anybody, but in particular you make up for your lack of substance with pictures that I could never hope to do even if my life depended on it.  Keep up the good work, and I look forward to what you have planned for Act III  :smile

Caustizer.


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I added a picture to the start of the thread that I thought best described the events at the ending of Act III, I did not make it though.


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I have been thinking and debating lately on a particular aspect of the story, and that is a part I was going to do for Eybron showing a bit of a 'lighter side' to his past personality.  I am half thinking about including it, but if I do it may detract from his 'villiany' and make the story more tragic then epic.  On the other hand not including it may result in a villian that is too cookie cutter without reasonable form in his actions.

What do you the readers think?

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Serris

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Rounded characters are always a plus. Are you aiming for a tragic villain or no?

Poster of the GOF's 200,000th post

Please read and rate: Land Before Time: Twilight Valley - The GOF's original LBT war story.


Pangaea

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I think I understand your concern; you want your readers to hate Eyebron, but you’d also prefer him to be a three-dimensional villain. I am a little afraid that I’ll start to sympathize with Eybron if the “lighter” aspect you speak of causes him to appear too tragic. However, I like villains with depth, and if this relates to Eybron's backstory, I think it would be interesting to know how he “lost his innocence”, as he described it (to Glide, if I recall correctly). Eybron has probably already crossed the moral point of no return, so I wouldn’t worry too much about making him too sympathetic. (ëCourse, I’ve been wrong before...many times. :unsure:)



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Sky

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Hmm... villains with backstory seems like a good idea in my opinion. That would clarify why villains are 'evil' and you made me quite curious about it now. On the other hand, you want your readers to 'hate' him. Maybe you could write something about his past, but not so detailed that we could sympathize with him.  :unsure:


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Just to give an update Part XI: Raining Ashes is about 2/3rds done, but of course it still needs to be proof-read and editted so I can see it being done by Friday at the latest, but it could be up sooner.


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Part IX: Raining Ashes



Cera was mad, and boy was it a big anger.  Sitting awake in the bottom of the Abyssal Caverns or whatever they were called with two other dinosaurs that she didn’t particularly like.  Whether it was Thylo’s long winded sentences or Gentry’s impossible accent that was doing it, it didn’t matter – she was ready to snap.  On top of it all, the threehorn had known that wingtail who dropped in on them was trouble the moment she saw him, and yet nobody had listened.  First Littlefoot didn’t listen when Sky was leading them on some wild chase to nowhere, and then he didn’t care when the blue wingtail talked down about Ruby, and then he didn’t bother coming after her when the wingtails kidnapped her.  She almost felt like nobody even listened to or cared about her anymore, like she was some secondary character in a story told about somebody else.

The main source of her frustrations had nothing to do with the spiketail and the egg stealer, but they ran much deeper.  Those two wingtails who had kidnapped her, whoever they were, had taught her an important lesson that she didn’t want to acknowledge, and that was that the universe did not revolve around her.  There were things in life that she couldn’t change no matter how hard she tried, and that maybe the world was a much bigger and more dangerous place then her daddy said it was.

“No need to be all up in a brood Shera mate,” Gentry insisted as he tugged a few floating water greens out of the stagnant water pool, “they’ll be back before the Circle shines through he cracks I’m sure.”

“I can feel however I want egg-stealer,” growled Cera, “and my name is Cera!”

Gentry raised an eye line, since dinosaurs don’t have eyebrows.

“I wasn’t on you about your name… shera mate is what you call a girl who is your mate,” said the egg-stealer with a bit of embarrassment, “but not… you know… your mate.”

Hearing the conversation, Thylo jumped up in excitement.

“Am I your shera mate too? Cause if I am that would be great since we’re all alone and I don’t have any friends and umm… I kind of like you guys.”

“Of course you are,” Gentry chuckled.

The egg-stealer gathered up the bundle of lake-weed that he had been gathering in the stagnant pool and rolled it over to Thylo. She was really hungry, and promptly started gobbling it down like a fastrunner in a sweet bubble bush.  All this childishness was getting on Cera’s nerves, and boy did she express it.

“Ooo,” moaned Cera in frustration, “I’m sick of this place!”

The threehorn kicked a nearby pebble into the pond.

“…And I’m sick of being trapped like a hatchling.  I’m sick of this watery green food, I’m sick of wingtails, and most of all I’m sick of you!”

Her last jab was targeted at Gentry, for whom she was developing a strong dislike.  The egg-stealer blinked in surprise.

“I’m getting out of here,” continued Cera, “…and one way or the other I’m going to get my friends back.”

Not waiting for an answer, the threehorn jumped into the small pond with a splash and waded towards the gap in the stone wall where the water was coming in.

“Hmm,” snorted Gentry, “who put droppings in her green food?”

Thylo looked after Cera, who was busy forcing her way through the extremely compact wall gap.  After a few moments, she wiggled inside and her tail disappeared into the darkness.

“It’s too boring around here,” commented the dark green spiketail, “I’m going outside too… see ya later shera friend!”

And Thylo jumped into the water too leaving the mildly surprised white egg-stealer all on his own.  There was no way he was going to stay here all alone after that.

“Hey I’m coming too… don’t go leaving me behind now,” Gentry called out as he hopped down into the warm water.

As the three children made the best of an escape attempt, not a single one of them had any idea what lurked in the dark section where the water had been coming in or whether they would actually be able to go outside from here, but it was their only option.

The Abyssal Caverns had three possible entrances.  There was a set of holes in the ceiling, with one being the place where they had been tossed after their capture and the other the place directly above  the pool where the wingtails had come in.  Sometimes sunlight would emerge from this gap, but most of the time it was completely dark and out of reach of the young dinosaurs at the roof of the cave.  Without the luxury of wings, the only path was the water bringing crack.  This small cove was so close to the surface of the lake that under normal winds the water would almost completely fill it, making 90% of the rocky tunnel to the lake an underwater one.  In these conditions, the children would most certainly of drowned, but today they were lucky as the winds had died down and the waters receded, making a short swim to freedom a possibility.

“It looks really dark down there mates,” pointed out Gentry nervously as the three of them stood on the edge of the black river that ran out to the lake. After a short push through the crack they had emerged into a very small chamber that offered only two options – back through the crack or right into the murky water to hopefully swim for an exit.  The egg-stealer was the tallest of the group, and he was nearly bumping his head on the roof.  It was a good thing none of them were claustrophobic, or this would be hellish.

“What are you a scaredy egg?” challenged Cera, “follow me.”

The threehorn jumped into the water and made a swim for it, her head and nose bobbing above the water as she moved.  Thylo, who was quite fearless, immediately followed afterwards.

“You’re both insane,” commented Gentry, “you can’t possibly go thinking that –”

It was no use, they were both gone.  Biting the bone and taking a deep breath, the egg-stealer jumped into the water too.  Unlike the pool, it was ice cold on his feet.  As he swam forward the roof got closer and closer to the surface of the water until he was scraping his nose on the stone as his head barely poked out of the water so he could breathe.  Panic began to set in, and a moment later something slimy brushed his foot.  Gentry yipped in surprise, and boosted himself out of the water, not caring if he would bump his head – only to meet with open air.

Taking a deep breath, the egg-stealer grabbed a nearby rock and rubbed his eyes.  With a blink, he saw exactly what they were hoping to see.  The smells of the outside hit his nostrils and the egg-stealer breathed a sigh of relief – they had made it!

Tired from the short and harrowing swim, the three dinosaurs crawled up onto a sandy beach near the exit of the cave, and just lied there.

“That… was… fun,” said Thylo to Gentry in between breaths.

“Not something I’d fancy to do again though,” the egg-stealer answered.

“Hey,” piped up Cera thoughtfully, “is it just me… or does the sky look different then it should?”

Both Gentry and Thylo looked up to the sight of a deathly black column, and turbulent clouds of fire flowing through the ashes still billowing out of the Black Mountain.

“The sky is… burning,” described Thylo in wonder, “that’s so amazing!”

The spiketail didn’t know yet, but the volcano had consumed her entire family in its wraith.  The after effects of the eruption manifested themselves into a fiery thunderstorm which, as the winds dictated, began to rain ash on the Feral Forest.  The grey flakes trickled down like snow, reflecting the grim reality that all of the dinosaurs and wingtails there now faced.  The stakes had risen, for what had started as an adventure would soon become a struggle to the death not only against a single enemy but against two of them.  As it would chance, one said enemy was nearby.

Thudd peered out from the bushes, his yellow tinted eyes (with blue retinas) watching the children on the beach very closely.  The fast-biter instinctually stalked them, planning the right moment to strike while they were tired and vulnerable.  Fortunately for Cera, Thylo and Gentry, at this moment Thudd wasn’t hungry at all – in fact he was quite full.  

Picking the wingtail flesh out of his teeth, the fast-biter snarled with glee before turning away.  He had made up his mind to spare Chomper and his friends should he catch them alone, but his own natural instincts still drove him to hunt prey and should the occasion arise it would be quite difficult to keep his covenant. It was a good thing for them that today he wasn’t eager to rip the flesh from their bones, but next time?… who knows.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The sky was burning, and to Eybron it was quite fitting.  It was like how he knew that out there somewhere the real Sky was burning down to his bones, and that Star was completely absolved of her previous obligations.  Admittedly, he hadn’t expected things to go so well.  It was doubtful that the earthshake he had created would have actually killed Sky of course, and if the blue wingtail was as crafty as he had proven time and time again he would simply have taken to the air to escape… but that wasn’t the point.  The point was that he had to convince the elders that Sky was in fact deceased, and since the Black Mountain had decided to erupt sooner then usual it proved all too convenient to serve that very purpose.  He had to hand it to himself… things had worked out brilliantly.

There was nothing the gathered wingtails could do but stare at the blackish red conflagration with awe, wonder, and to some abhorrence.  The great circle had fully risen over the horizon, but it was barely visible amongst the blacked smoke and volcanic ash in the distance.  Few of them would truly understand what had occurred, but it would eventually become known as ëThe Black Dawn’.  The utter silence following the fiery explosive permeated the atmosphere, and even the smaller flyers refused to sing like they usually did.  Slowly but surely the wind was picking up.

Eybron broke the silence with two claps of his hands.  They were arrogant, boastful claps that one might do to applaud his own performance.  All eyes turned to him.

“You all came here so early expecting a show, and yet… I do not hear any gratitude,” the white wingtail stated.

Again, all silence.  Ruby had stood up, the dried tears of her previous torture still showing, while Glide and Chomper stood together flanked by at least a half dozen of Eybron’s personal guards.  They were not surrounding them as they had been ordered, but were rather simply part of the crowd forced to observe the mass genocide their master had inflicted.  The elders were silent also, and even Cinceel who had raised her head to say something lowered it again.  There really was nothing to say.

“Hmm,” snorted Eybron, “now that that business has been taken care of, it is now time to address another equally pressing matter.”

The wingtail turned to Barrau, who was busy rubbing his head where Glide had hit him.

“Turn the Sonicron towards the Tyrant Spire… we have another enemy to be ëremoved’.”

The brown wingtail had been trained to obey unconditionally, and he did.  Ordering four other wingtails whom were present, the group of them proceeded to push the Sonicron on it’s base to turn it towards the wastes in the southwest.  The sound of grinding glass on stone finally did it for those who were present, and the first one to step up was the youngest elder, a green wingtail who had recently been appointed to the duty following the death of his mother.

“Are you insane?” Theanol shouted, “you dare commit such a blatant act of murder and you expect us to let you do it again? Cease this act at once or we will retract your status!”

“Me, insane!?!” repeated Eybron with a laugh, “If you are looking for someone to blame for this look only to yourselves!  Or is it that now ëby all means necessary’ does not apply?”

“Butchering an entire valley for your maniacal fantasies does not fall under the ëby all means necessary’ category.  By the authority vested in me, I hereby relieve you of your duties as this shine guardian, and furthermore–”

“Learn you place Theanol!” shouted Tenebron, who had finally stepped in, “I’m the head of this council and I will decide what is to be done.  Eybron has acted in a manner that fully follows our demands… he is not to be –”

“Coming from his inept father,” interrupted Cinceel venomously, “the one who refused to guard the nest after his mother passed away.”

That hit a nerve.  When Eybron’s mother Monni died from sickness she had left behind a pair of eggs for Tenebron to care for.  He was jostling for a position in the elder’s council at the time, and on one particular day he had left the nest unguarded figuring it was safe in the hands of those nearby.  He came back to find one egg smashed, and the other gone.  The incident had been covered up for entire seasons, and to reveal it now in public was a grave step across the line for Cinceel.

“You will not speak of that here Cinceel,” growled Tenebron, “so help me I’ll put you down on the spot.”

Cinceel decided to appeal to the crowd, now that the matter was public.

“Here is our ëhead of the council’ resorting to death threats to keep his position.  You and your son have disgraced our entire race with this display, and if anything it is you that needs to be put down as our leader.”

This ignited a furious mudslinging and screeching contest between the two wingtails, as well as those gathered who supported them.  Soon the two camps had sorted to opposite sides of the clearing hurling insults and threats at each other.  This situation was not benefitting Eybron at all, as time was wasting and he needed to crush Tyron before it was too late.

“What are you waiting for?” shouted Eybron over the mass of voices, “turn the Sonicron towards where I told you!”

The guards did not obey, after all the white wingtail had been relieved of his duties so they no longer had to listen to what he had to say.  The situation was so confusing most of them elected to wait until order was restored to act.

Eybron hissed in anger.

“Do it now, I command you!”

The white wingtail knew the enemy far better then any other wingtails did, and after his little demonstration with the massive glass horn he knew exactly what was coming.  It was only a matter of time before Tyron extended his claws to the Feral Forest as well.

Ruby took advantage of the chaos and joined Chomper and Glide.

“Ruby am I glad to see you,” the sharptooth said as she hugged him.

“And I’m glad to see you too.”

The as the two children embraced Glide looked on neutrally, not caring on the outside but inside he was glad they were both safe.

“Glide.”

He heard a familiar voice behind him, and turning around he saw Star looking at him expectantly.

“Yes?” responded Glide with no emotion.

Star rushed forward, and embraced him.  She wanted all this fighting to stop, and for Glide to understand why she made the choice she did.  The top of her head rubbed his chin, and he softened a bit.

“You betrayed me,” the black wingtail said, though he couldn’t help but smile.

Star pulled back slightly.

“No I didn’t… I did it because I love him.”

“How can you possibly love him,” snarled Glide, “after all he’s done, after all the ways he’s hurt us.”

“Sky is not as bad as everyone says he is,” Star said as she corrected him, “you have been too hard on him because of how you’ve been protecting me.  Look around you Glide, look at who the real enemy is.”

Glide spared a small glance about, looking at the elders who were busy bickering amongst themselves, and at Eybron who was shouting in rage at his guards for their disobedience.

“Maybe,” said Glide hesitantly, “I don’t know… but what I do know as that you should never do this to me again.  I only want what’s best for you.”

“Glide,” said Star desperately, “please… let me go.  I’m not a hatchling anymore; I know who’s right for me and it’s Sky.”

An alarming smell hit Chomper’s nose as the jubilation of his reuniting with Ruby wore off.  He sniffed the air, this time harder.  There were sharpteeth near and they were getting closer.

“Ruby,” Chomper said, “I smell sharpteeth… other sharpteeth.”

“W-well, we better get out of here before here ends up eating us,” stated Ruby, and the two of them ran into the woods as fast as their legs would carry them.

A terrible set of screeches rang out, and the sounds of carnage and violence once more entered the clearing.  All around, sharpteeth sprung out of the bushes and from behind trees.  This was no mere pack, but a full on attack.  Tyron’s forces had arrived.

The wingtails were caught completely off guard, and several on the ground were caught within the bloody melee of jaws and talons.  The elders were also on the ground, and within moments they were surrounded by sharpteeth.

Theanol and two others were fast enough to take to the air, but Cinceel, Tenebron, and the oldest one were too slow.  The teeth of a single fast-biter leading the group sunk into the oldest one, and he barely made a sound as he was torn apart.  Two of them jumped on Tenebron, who put up a decent fight and forced them into a standoff.  Against all their instincts, the gathered wingtails sprung into action as their elders were in danger.  Soon they began diving like a deadly rain, striking the attacking sharpteeth with their feet and wings, screeching their outrage.  Both sharpteeth and wingtails were dying left and right as the greatest of land and sky fought to the bitter end.

“Bring it on pups… I’m too old to be taken down by the likes of you,” hollered Cinceel as she made it into the air, despite the rips on her face and wings.  Tenebron wasn’t so lucky.

“Eybron!” he shouted desperately, “… help me!”

The white wingtail stood there, and did absolutely nothing.  His father deserved this… they all did.  None of them truly understood how long Tyron’s claws were, or how cunning of an enemy he was.  They would learn how wrong they were to try to deny him from demolishing the Tyrant Spire, and ending the sharptooth ruler’s life as well as his empire forever.

“Glide,” whispered Star as they still held each other close, “go with these children… they need you.”

“What do you mean sister?” Glide asserted.

“I’ll be fine here… they need your protection more then I do.”

“But… what about Eybron?” Glide questioned, “I can’t allow him to force you to mate.”

“I can handle him,” Star said reassuringly, “but that runner and her friend won’t survive without your help.”

Glide just glared at her, and didn’t say anything.

“If you won’t do it for them,” begged Star, “then please… do it for me.”

She stuck out her tongue and licked his cheek, and for once her brother smiled.  With a nod and a stroke his wings, the black wingtail made after Ruby and Chomper into the trees.

Glide could never tell her, but as much as he loved her as a sister there was a part of him that loved her as a female.  It was the real reason he hated Sky so much – his overly protectiveness was really just a mask of his jealousy.  First and foremost however, his responsibility as her brother was one he took very seriously and he was loath to leave her side now that he was free… but she was right.  The two hatchlings would need him more then ever in the days ahead.  





Ruby and Chomper made it to shore in short time, only to come across a big surprise when they reached the beaches.

“Cera, Gentry, Thylo, you’re all here!” exclaimed Chomper excitedly.

“Well what do you know,” smiled Gentry, “our escape was quite timely I’ll say.”

The two groups of children met once again on the dawn lit sands of the beach.

“Cera am I glad to see you,” stated Ruby with joy as she unthinkingly walked up and hugged the threehorn.

Cera lightly pushed her away.

“I’m glad to see you too Ruby,” she said with a tinge of annoyance, “but please… don’t do that again.”

“Oh,” replied Ruby in embarrassment, “sorry.”

Glide flew in behind their group and landed with a thud, causing pretty much all of them to jump in fright.

“Hrm, it’s just you,” grumbled Cera impolitely, “what do you want?”

It was a slight that Glide would not take.

“I want you all to move away from here before I decide rip those horns out of your face one by one,” the black wingtail snarled, “the sharpteeth are on their way and they are hungry.”

Chomper sniffed the air.

“They’re already here, run!” he cried in alarm.

In the woods above, the fast-biters were dashing through the leaves and were almost upon them in the sand.

“To where, hatchling?” inquired Cera in annoyance, mad at being upscaled by a wingtail.

“In the water… right now!” asserted Glide without a tinge of hesitation.

Not wasting any time, the group of them jumped right back into the water and made for the middle of the lake.

“Glide,” added Chomper, “I can’t swim!”

“Go with the runner,” shot Glide, “I’ll hold them off!”

Chomper jumped onto Ruby’s tail, and soon they were in the water swimming for dear life.  Glide on the other hand, took to the air and hissed and screeched at the sharpteeth trying to distract them. It didn’t work.  What did work though was that they stopped at the water, not daring to any farther.

A particularly ravenous fast-biter, whom hadn’t eaten for days, suddenly reached the decision that he wasn’t going to let a bit of water deny him a meal and waded into the water, improvising his way into swimming.  Alarmingly, he was gaining on Chomper and Ruby.

Seeing that they would eventually be caught, Glide did something incredible noble and selfless, but also stupid.  He dove at the water hitting the sharptooth with his feet and driving both of them underwater.

Caught in a breathless environment the sharptooth and the wingtail proceeded to fight to the death with what little air they had left, knowing full well only one of them could survive.  Glide kicked, punched and struggled his way until the two of them hit the bottom of the lake and their breath begun to give out.  The sharptooth quit life first, breathing out and allowing his lungs to fill with water.  Glide trying to hold on, but there was no way he could.  The black wingtail was destined to die down here, he knew it.  His last thought was hoping that Star could forgive him for this.

Suddenly, as if by a miracle, a hand reached down and grabbed one of Glide’s wings.  Half conscience, he opened his eyes to see who was trying to save him.  It was Ruby.  When the children reached shallow water, Chomper had jumped over to Cera allowing the fastrunner to go down and try to save Glide.

With a thrust of her feet on the rocky bottom of the lake, Ruby managed to push the two of them up and towards the surface.  It would have been impossible, but thanks to wingtails being flyers and hence having light bones, lifting him up wasn’t as difficult as she thought it would be.  Just as the two of them broke the surface, Glide took in his first mouthful of water.

The wingtail came up gasping and coughing, spitting water everywhere.  He was lucky, as he fully knew that he came within a few seconds of meeting the same watery grave that his parents had many seasons ago.  He owed his life to the fastrunner, as she now did to him.  He supposed that evened the debt.

“That was quite a dive there Ruby,” commented Gentry as he floated on his back, “you got him just in time.”

Ruby smiled in triumph… it had been as easy as catching a really, really big fish.

“Umm, guys,” interrupted Cera, “I hate to interrupt the celebration and all… but why is the lake doing the swimming for us?”

It was true… they were barely paddling yet the current was pulling them along.  Suddenly they all noticed the devilish roar that filled the air.

“Oh no,” called out Glide, “the Whirlpool… it’s going to suck us in!”

There was no use, as the group of them was so far beyond the point of no return they didn’t even know what it looked like when they crossed it.

“Well, it was nice knowing you all… we could’ve been real good mates,” added Gentry unnecessarily.

“Yay a whirlpool!” stated Thylo excitedly, “this is going to be fun fun fun!”

“Yeah until we drown and die…” replied Cera sarcastically.

Gentry was the first to be sucked down, and he disappeared underneath the water followed very closely by Thylo (who was jeering at the fun) and Chomper.  Cera paddled as hard as she could, but in the end it claimed her too.  Next was Glide, who made his mind up not to die this time, and took in a huge breath before passing below the surface.  Last of all was Ruby, who silently prayed for salvation.  She didn’t know to who, or what… but what she did know is that they needed another miracle.  As the water sucked her down, the last thing to disappear under the surface was her open hand, stretched desperately towards the sky.



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  The battle was turning against the wingtails, and many of them were retreating into the trees, leaving the blood of their dead to mingle with that of the slain sharpteeth.  As if to highlight the monumentous event, ash began to rain from the sky.  Amidst the blood, death, and carnage, the white wingtail stood alone atop the Sonicron, his wings spread wide as he looked straight up into the sky with insane joy written all over his face.  The elders were no more, and with nobody left to turn to to lead them, the Sonicron lord was all the wingtails had.

A single ravenous fast-biter spotted Eybron atop the glass horn, and with a hungry snarl sprinted up the hill and leaped into the air, his mouth open wide for a feast.  The white wingtail was more cunning however, and with a motion like lightning his arm shot out and connected directly with the sharptooth’s throat.  The combined force of the leap and the jab instantly shattered it’s throat passage, and as the snarling sharptooth hit the ground and rolled about, choking and sputtering on it’s own blood.  Sensing his time on the ground would be limited, the white wingtail took to the air with the rest of his wingtail comrades, circling the battlefield.

“My lord,” inquired Barrau as he glided up beside him, “the Sonicron is lost, what are we to do?”

Eybron glanced in annoyance at the far away tree, where the sharp beak had been watching the proceedings with interest.

“I think we will need to inform Tyrus that the parameters of our little deal have shifted.”

Both Eybron and Prince Tyrus shared common goals, so it was only natural that at some point they would come into collusion.  Both of them wanted King Tyron to be dead or displaced – with the white wingtail wanting revenge, while the sharptooth was keen to take over his father’s empire.  The two of them also had common goals in eliminating Sky, with the wingtail needing him dead so he could mate, while the sharptooth wanting him dead for vengeance.  Since Tyrus lacked the means to achieve both of these goals on his own, he had arranged for the sharp beak Macaw to collect information about Sky’s whereabouts from Redgar, who had been following the blue wingtail to ensure that he carried out Tyron’s task without error.  Only Tyrus and Macaw were part of this treason, but had the tyrant king been killed then the prince would have been the new royalty and fit to rule as he chose.  Now that Tyron was still alive and Sky’s fate was unknown, Eybron would have to get craftier to achieve his ends.

“The Tyrant Prince is displeased with your contribution wingtail,” Macaw stated as he flew up next to Eybron and Barrau, “but he is also ready to give you another chance to serve.”

“I take orders from nobody hatchling slasher,” Eybron asserted and with a hiss and mock strike of his wings he established his dominance over the sharp beak.

“Of course of course,” muttered Macaw as he shielded himself desperately.

“What is it that your ëTyrant Prince’ still has to offer me?” Eybron enquired.

“The prince gives you… guidance to the place of unlimited sight.”

The white wingtail perked up in shock at the revelation.

“You know its location sharp beak?” Eybron gloated, “I think… this will prove a very fruitful relationship indeed.”

Once again, Eybron smiled.  It was a vicious, maniacal smile that would only mean one thing – before the end of the season another relic of the wingtails would be his – the Eye of the World.


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<End of Act III>


Dima02

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Nice chapter; I can't wait to see how they escape the whirlpool.


Sky

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So that was Eybron's past, hmm? So he was kidnapped or did he hatch long before?  :unsure:

Gotta love Thylo in this chapter.  :D So full of fun, it's quite hilarious!  :DD
And the real reason of Glide's hatred towards Sky... that was really touching (I almost teared after reading that... :oops).

And now, Act IV is coming!  :o  I'm really excited! It gave me a burst of inspiration! :lol:


Caustizer

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I'm glad you like this chapter.  If you remember from the chapter list I posted a while ago (which is now horribly incorrect) the prologue for Act IV addresses Eybron, just like the prologue for Act II did for Tyron.

I had a ton of ground to cover in this past Part in order to conclude the Act where I wanted to, and it shows with it being the longest chapter to date (5,100 words).

The prologue for Act IV will of course be shorter than a normal Part, but thankfully that means I can finish it sooner.

Far Away Home is now 3/4 done, but believe me there is still a lot to go.  Act IV is a good one.


Pangaea

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As I was reading this chapter, I was thinking about how long it was, and was very appreciative of the fact! :D :P:

You did a very good job emphasizing Eybron’s nastiness (I’d use “evil”, but I don’t like the word :p). I have the suspicion that that was intentional, to further ensure that we readers don’t feel much sympathy for him when you reveal more of his backstory. As far as I’m concerned, it’s working.

Meanwhile, the needle on my sympathy meter for Glide is swinging in the opposite direction. I really like the character development he seems to be undergoing (feeling secretly glad that Ruby and Chomper are safe, and protecting the group from the fast biter), and how you’re elaborating on the emotional background of his own unpleasantries (which are much more justifiable than Eybron’s, due to being far less selfishly motivated).

Quote
She almost felt like nobody even listened to or cared about her anymore, like she was some secondary character in a story told about somebody else.
Leaning on the fourth wall there, are we? :p Seriously, though, I’m sympathizing with Cera a lot here. I’m looking forward to what I hope will be an eventual moment in the sun for her. (Although I would have thought that she’d have learned her lesson in humility a long time ago.)

It also didn’t occur to me at all that Thylo and Gentry might have come from the Verdant Valley, and so it was quite a shock when the narrative revealed that the former’s family was dead. Poor Thylo. :cry I wonder what’s going to happen to her afterwards (assuming she survives to the end of the story).

By the way, just for clarification, is the Black Dawn the eruption of the Black Mountain itself, or the ashy aftermath that literally blackens the vicinitive regions?

Unfortunately, with long chapters come long lists of proofreading notes: :p
Quote
On top of it all, the threehorn knew that wingtail who dropped in on them was trouble the moment she saw him, and yet nobody listened.
Quote
On top of it all, the threehorn had known that wingtail who dropped in on them was trouble the moment she saw him, and yet nobody had listened.

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Those two wingtails who kidnapped her, whoever they are, taught her an important lesson that she didn’t want to acknowledge, and that was how the universe did not rotate around her. There were things in life that she couldn’t change no matter how hard she tried, and that maybe the world was a much bigger and more dangerous place then her daddy said it was.
Quote
Those two wingtails who had kidnapped her, whoever they were, had taught her an important lesson that she didn’t want to acknowledge, and that was that the universe did not revolve around her. There were things in life that she couldn’t change no matter how hard she tried, and * that maybe the world was a much bigger and more dangerous place then her daddy said it was.
*I think you should insert “she realized” (or something of the sort) here.

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Her last jab was targeted at Gentry, of whom she was developing a strong dislike.
Should be “for”.

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The Abyssal Caverns had three possible entrances. There was a set of holes in the ceiling, with one being the place where they had been tossed after their capture and the other the place directly above the pool where the wingtails had come in.
In describing “a set” of holes, it sounds as if there are more than two of them, and that they represent only a single entrance. Also, to me, “place” doesn’t sound like quite the right word to describe a hole. Overall, you may want to re-word this paragraph a bit.

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In these conditions, the children would most certainly of drowned, but today they were lucky as the winds had died down and the waters receded, making a short swim to freedom a possibility.
Should be “have”.

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“What are you* a scaredy egg?” challenged Cera, “follow me.”
*There should be a comma right here.

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Tired from the short and harrowing swim, the three dinosaurs crawled up onto a sandy beach near the exit of the cave, and just lied there.
Should be “lay”.

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The spiketail didn’t know yet, but the volcano had consumed her entire family in its wraith.
Should be “wrath”, with no ëi’. (This also goes for every instance in which you used the word previously, including, I believe, one of the chapter titles.)

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The after effects of the eruption manifested themselves into a fiery thunderstorm* which, as the winds dictated, began to rain ash on the Feral Forest.
*Comma.
Quote
The after effects of the eruption had manifested themselves as a fiery thunderstorm, which, as the winds dictated, began to rain ash on the Feral Forest.

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Thudd peered out from the bushes, his yellow tinted eyes (with blue retinas) watching the children on the beach very closely.
I think you mean “irises”. The retina lines the inner surface of the eye; the iris is the colored ring surrounding the pupil.

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The utter silence following the fiery explosion permeated the atmosphere, and even the smaller flyers refused to sing like they usually did.
Should be “explosion”.

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Ordering four other wingtails whom were present, the group of them proceeded to push the Sonicron on it’s base to turn it towards the wastes in the southwest.
”It’s” should be “its”. Also, I’m pretty sure “whom” should be “who” (darn, I hate those two words <_<).

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Soon the two camps had sorted to opposite sides of the clearing* hurling insults and threats at each other.
*Comma.

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The as the two children embraced Glide looked on neutrally, not caring on the outside but inside he was glad they were both safe.
First of all, “the” should be deleted, but also I think you should rework this sentence a bit (maybe even split it into two). “Neutrally” seems to imply that Glide is both visibly and privately uncaring, which is contradicted by the rest of the sentence. In any case, it is probably not necessary to say that he is both “looking on neutrally” and “not caring on the outside”. Here is my idea for a revised version:
Quote
Glide looked on as the two children embraced. On the outside, he didn’t seem to care, but inside he was glad they were both safe.
You could substitute “didn’t seem to care” for “appeared neutral”, or, of course, modify the entire paragraph to your liking.

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“How can you possibly love him,” snarled Glide, “after all he’s done, after all the ways he’s hurt us.
The comma and period I have highlighted should probably both be question marks.

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It was the real reason he hated Sky so much – his overly protectiveness was really just a mask of his jealousy.
That whole phrase should be simply “overprotectiveness”. It’s possible that “of” should be “for”, but I’m not certain of it. :unsure:

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“Well* what do you know,” smiled Gentry, “our escape was quite timely* I’ll say.”
*There should be commas here, and the comma I highlighted should be a question mark.

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“I want you all to move away from here before I decide * rip those horns out of your face one by one,” the black wingtail snarled, “the sharpteeth are on their way and they are hungry.”
*Insert “to”.

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A particularly ravenous fast-biter, whom hadn’t eaten for days, suddenly reached the decision that he wasn’t going to let a bit of water deny him a meal and waded into the water, improvising his way into swimming.
Should be “who”.

Quote
Seeing that they would eventually be caught, Glide did something incredible noble and selfless, but also stupid. He dove at the water* hitting the sharptooth with his feet and driving both of them underwater.
“Incredible” should be “incredibly”.
*Comma.

Quote
Glide trying to hold on, but there was no way he could.
Should be “tried”.

Quote
Half conscience, he opened his eyes to see who was trying to save him.
Should be “conscious”.

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When the children reached shallow water, Chomper had jumped over to Cera* allowing the fastrunner to go down and try to save Glide.
Insert “had” before “reached”.
*Comma.

Quote
Gentry was the first to be sucked down, and he disappeared underneath the water* followed very closely by Thylo (who was jeering at the fun) and Chomper.
To ”jeer” is to scoff at or mock something. Did you mean “cheering”?
*Comma.

Quote
The combined force of the leap and the jab instantly shattered it’s throat passage, and as the snarling sharptooth hit the ground and rolled about, choking and sputtering on it’s own blood.
Both “it’s” should be “its”, and “as” should be removed.

Quote
Since Tyrus lacked the means to achieve both of these goals on his own, he had arranged for the sharp beak Macaw to collect information about Sky’s whereabouts from Redgar, who had been following the blue wingtail to ensure that he carried out Tyron’s task without error.
Quote
“You know its location* sharp beak?” Eybron gloated, “I think… this will prove a very fruitful relationship indeed.”
Seeing as you spell most of the other dinosaurs’ species names as compound words, or with hyphens (“threehorn”, “fast-biter”, etc.), I think you should do the same with “sharpbeak”.
*Comma.

Quote
“Of course* of course,” muttered Macaw as he shielded himself desperately.
*Comma.

Holy flamin’ buckets, that’s got to be my longest review of a single chapter in any story yet! :blink:



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Caustizer

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Act IV: The Eye of the World

Prologue:


"I can't remember who called it the Black Dawn... but I do remember why," continued Littlefoot to the group of silent, attentive children, "the clouds of smoke were so thick that we couldn't see the bright circle even though it was morning."

"But...where did all the smoke come from," inquired a wide-eyed Xavier, "I thought that when the smoking mountains got angry, they would let it out up into the sky instead?"

"Well this one was different," replied Littlefoot uneasily, "the entire Verdant Valley along with all the longnecks, threehorns, spiketails and everyone else dissapeared... we were the only suriviors."

"So you mean they all died?" asked Wayne.

"Yes little one," sighed Littlefoot, "which is why I would prefer that none of you speak of it outside this place... those were dark and scary times."

Littlefoot paused for a moment, before continuing.

 "...but we must also remember too that what is in the past is in the past, and that the best we can do is move on and ensure it does not happen again."

  "Now, you all better hurry of to bed before your mothers start ripping me to pieces," Littlefoot chuckled as the group of them relucatantly rose, stretched, and made their way to their respective nests.

"Hah, what a croc," jeered Landar as he swirled overhead, "like a smoking mountain can actually do that."

"I don't know," added Wayne, "Xavier's dad has been a lot of places and done a lot of things... I think he's telling the truth."

"That's right," pushed Xavier, "my dad knows almost as much about everything as Mr. Sky does."

"Oh yeah?" retorted Landar as he landed on the ground in front of them, "well if your dad is so smart, then what's to stop the Smoking Mountain from burning all of us up right now?"

The fourwing pointed far into the distance, where the Smoking Mountain was puffing the usual haze of ashen smoke into the air.  Xavier gulped nervously... maybe the Smoking Mountain could do the same thing to them as the Black Mountain did to the Verdant Valley.

...

Xavier had a nightmare that night.  He dreamt that he was playing with his friends, and then suddenly he was all alone.  The sky turned a devilish red, and started to call out in fear trying to warn the Great Valley.  The Smoking Mountain billowed and burned, and released massive cloud of fiery red ash.  As he watched, the conflagration shaped itself into a face... an evil wingtail that he had imagined to be Eybron. In a booming voice, it laughed at him.

"Scream little longneck, Scream or you DIE!!"

The longneck didn't scream... instead he ran.  Still laughing maniacially, the ash cloud thundered down the mountain after him. As he brushed the trees they seemed to collpase in on him and entangle his feet so he couldn't move.  He shut his eyes and felt an extreme heat all over his back as the darkness closed around him.

Xavier woke with a gasp in cold sweat.  His back was so hot, he immeadiately rolled over thinking he was on fire.  It wasn't until he turned that he realized that it was just the heat from his mom, whom he had been sleeping next to.

Taking a nervous glance at the Smoking Mountain, the young longneck curled up once more and in a minute he was back to sleep again.

...

The following day was quite an eventful one in the Great Valley, as all the children got together to play one massive game of toss-the-seed.  It was an idea that Sky had suggested many seasons ago which turned out to be a huge success.  The game was a long one and was tied for almost the entire session, only finishing when Landar cheated and flew the seed from one end to the other (it was generally thought the seed was too heavy to carry that far, but the fourwing proved that wrong).  Almost all the adults were there to see it, including Littlefoot, Ali, Cera, and Ducky.  Spike wandered in at some point too, chomping away at the bushes while the game was going on.  Glide was there too, though he just sat on a branch overlooking the game with a callous expression and his wings crossed.  Strangely, Sky was absent.

"That was quite the game wasn't it?" commented Xavier with pride, as he had been on Landar's team.

"Yeah until the end," complained Wayne.

"I think Landar cheated," added Kala, who rarely spoke.

"Stuff it spiketail," shot Landar, "we won fair and square, thanks to my awesome skills."

Kala gave him a hard glance, but otherwise simply opted to ignore him.

"It is story-time, it is," stated Aura with excitement.

They all wanted to know how Sky's story would end... provided the blue wingtail was actually there to tell it.  It seemed like he had been unusually distracted over the past week, and was adhereing to his responsbilities less and less.  The adults didn't seem to mind at all either, like whatever Sky was doing they sympathized with him on some level.  Why did Sky have to be so mysterious all the time?

..

Surprisingly, Mr. Sky showed up at the exact time he was supposed to, right when the great circle touched the horizon.  He flew in, and did a single loop in the air before landing on his feet.  The children all gave sounds of approval, and the blue wingtail bowed.

"Hey Mr. Sky," proclaimed Nincea exictedly, "Daddy and I have been trying to do that, but I've learned it instead of him!"

Sky chuckled.

"Ah you are becoming quite the young flyer Nincea... but the loop will require a lot more practise to master."

"I'll keep doing it until I'm the best, just like you!"

Sky smiled proudly at the praise.  Xavier however was a little bit impatient, and pushed into the conversation.

"Mr. Sky, can you tell us what happened after the Black Dawn... how did you survive? what happened to Tyron and Eybron?  Did you meet Star again?"

The blue wingtail silenced him with a slight wave of his hand.

"I will get to that Xavier," replied Sky slyly, "but first I have somebody very special to me I would like you all to meet."

With a slight nod of his head, Sky signalled to the trees above.  Another smaller wingtail soared down from the hieghts, and landed in front of Sky.  He was a light blue colour, slightly less dark then the teacher.  The wingtail looked around nervously at all the faces that were staring at him, and he stepped back into Sky's arms.

"I'd like you all to meet my son, Cloud."

The children were in awe... none of them had ever seen a young wingtail before.  They all stared at Cloud like he was some sort of spectacle, which only made the wingtail child even more shy.  Sky started massaging his shoulders to reassure him.

"Go ahead, introduce yourself," Sky insisted with a proud look on his face.

"Uh... hi," said Cloud half-heartedly.

"Hey Cloud, I'm Xavier," said the young longneck.

"And I'm Wayne," added the Threehorn.

"Landar," added the fourwing, his tone bored like his response was just an afterthought.

The young swimmer stepped forward.

"I am Aura, and this is Kala and Nincea.  We are glad to meet you, we are, we are."

Cloud looked a bit puzzled about something.

"But, how come you're all friends even though you're so different?" he asked sincerely.

"Things aren't the same here compared to the Feral Forest Cloud," interjected Sky with a bit of embarassment, "in the Great Valley, all types of land walker live in harmony."

"Oh," replied Cloud, who then shied away even more.

Coming from an environment where there were only wingtails, Cloud had been raised in a place where often other species were hated or cast out as inferior.  For all its high intelligence wingtail society was still as supremecist as it had always been.

"So you never told us why Eybron was so mean," implied Wayne, changing the subject.

"I would tell you all," replied Sky, "but I'm afraid I don't really know that much about him... see I spent so little time in the Feral Forest that-"

"I know," interrupted Cloud.

Once more everybody was looking at him, and the light blue wingtail knew he was on shaky ground.

"How would you like to tell us then?" asked Sky warmly.

"Well... that story gets passed around hundreds of times.  I think I hear his name spoken every other day.  See, apparently he was stolen by a sharpbeak before he even hatched and he ended up hatching inside the flyer's nest..."

Even Landar was listening now.

"...They say he killed the sharpbeak hatchling who broke open his egg to eat him, and was rescued by another lesser flyer before the sharpbeak mother returned.  A few months later, he showed up in the Feral Forest.  The elders back then covered up his existance because one of them... Tennabaron I think, found out Eybron was his son.  They ended up sending him away on some crazy quest, hoping he wouldn't come back.  Eventually he did of course, but he had seen things that changed him forever.  My friends think that the sharpteeth drove him insane, or something like that."

Sky was impressed... Cloud was coming out to be a really good storyteller just like him.

"Cloud, how would you like to listen to the rest of my story with the rest of the children?" he asked.

"Alright," the light blue wingtail responded with a smile.

Xavier stood up.

"Here, you can sit next to me."

"Thanks," Cloud replied as he sat down.

"Now, I'm going to tell you all about what happened after the Black Dawn," Sky said loudly so everyone could hear, "about our journey to the Eye of the World..."


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Serris

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First step spell checking time.

corrections

Quote
"But...where did all the smoke come from?" inquired a wide-eyed Xavier. "I thought that when the smoking mountains got angry, they would let it out up into the sky instead?"

Quote
"Well this one was different," replied Littlefoot uneasily. "Thehe entire Verdant Valley along with all the longnecks, threehorns, spiketails and everyone else disappeared... we were the only survivors."

Quote
"Yes little one," sighed Littlefoot. "Which is why I would prefer that none of you speak of it outside this place... those were dark and scary times."

Quote
Littlefoot paused for a moment [delete comma] before continuing.

Quote
"Hah, what [delete "a"] crock!" jeered Landar as he swirled overhead. "Like a smoking mountain can actually do that."

Exclamation point works better.

Quote
"I don't know," added Wayne, "Xavier's dad has been a lot of places and done a lot of things... I think he's telling the truth."

"Replied" may be a better choice instead of "added"

Quote
"Oh yeah?" retorted Landar as he landed on the ground in front of them, "[Delete "well"] If your dad is so smart, then what's to stop the Smoking Mountain from burning all of us up right now?"

Quote
Xavier had a nightmare that night. He dreamt that he was playing with his friends, and then suddenly he was all alone. The sky turned a devilish red, and started to call out in fear trying to warn the Great Valley. The Smoking Mountain billowed and burned, and released massive cloud of fiery red ash. As he watched, the conflagration shaped itself into a face... an evil wingtail that he had imagined to be Eybron. In a booming voice, it laughed at him.

Misplaced modifier makes it sound like the sky is calling out in fear.

Quote
The longneck didn't scream... instead he ran. Still laughing maniacially, the ash cloud thundered down the mountain after him. As he brushed the trees they seemed to collapse in on him and entangle his feet so he couldn't move. He shut his eyes and felt an extreme heat all over his back as the darkness closed around him.

Quote
"I think Landar cheated," added Kala, who rarely spoke.

"Stuff it spiketail," *shot Landar* . "W e won fair and square, thanks to my awesome skills."

*This would be better reworded as "Landar shot back"*

Quote
It seemed like he had been unusually distracted over the past week, and was adhering to his responsibilities less and less. The adults didn't seem to mind at all either; [delete "like"] whatever Sky was doing they sympathized with him on some level.

Quote
Another smaller wingtail soared down from the heights ,

Quote
For all its *high intelligence* wingtail society was still as **supremecist** as it had always been.

*advancements* would work better in that sentence.
**speciesist or biased** would work better

I am getting tired so that is all I can find for now.

Poster of the GOF's 200,000th post

Please read and rate: Land Before Time: Twilight Valley - The GOF's original LBT war story.


Caustizer

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I did this last chapter without Microsoft word or spell checker, so naturally it's going to have more mistakes then usual.


Sky

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Oh wow, another chapter already.  :)

It's good to read more of Eybrons past. :yes

I have to say, I'm really glad to read more about the children of the gang.  :^.^:
The great toss-the-seed game was a nice addition, but I wonder if Petrie and Ruby were there too.

Speaking of children, I thought Sky would introduce Star to them at first. Now that was something I did not expect (at least not this early :p).
Aww, Sky has a son... :wub


Pangaea

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Oh, yes! The prologue for Act IV! :D

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...They say he killed the sharpbeak hatchling who broke open his egg to eat him, and was rescued by another lesser flyer before the sharpbeak mother returned.
Either that story's a little exaggerated, or Eybron was a darned tough wingtail from the start! :blink:

Poor Cloud. He must have had an awfully sheltered life, if he’s never even interacted with other species before. And Sky might want to have a word with him about political correctness, if he refers to non-wingtail flyers as “lesser flyers”. :p

Hey, Sky (the GOF Sky, I mean :P:), have you ever drawn a wingtail kid before? I’d love to see what Cloud would look like. ;)

Okeedokee...corrections:

Quote from: Serris,Apr 7 2010 on  11:51 PM
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"But...where did all the smoke come from?" inquired a wide-eyed Xavier. "I thought that when the smoking mountains got angry, they would let it out up into the sky instead?"
Also, the question mark at the end of that sentence should be a period.

Quote from: Serris,Apr 7 2010 on  11:51 PM
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"Well* this one was different," replied Littlefoot uneasily. "The entire Verdant Valley* along with all the longnecks, threehorns, spiketails and everyone else disappeared... we were the only survivors."
*Commas.

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"Now, you all better hurry of to bed before your mothers start ripping me to pieces," Littlefoot chuckled as the group of them relucatantly rose, stretched, and made their way to their respective nests.
Should be “off” and “reluctantly, respectively”.

Quote from: Serris,Apr 7 2010 on  11:51 PM
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"Hah, what [delete "a"] crock!" jeered Landar as he swirled overhead. "Like a smoking mountain can actually do that."
A correction of a correction: while Serris is right about “crock” being misspelled, “a”, should stay in the sentence.

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Xavier woke with a gasp in * cold sweat.
*Insert “a”.

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The game was a long one and was tied for almost the entire session, only finishing when Landar cheated and flew the seed from one end to the other (it was generally thought * the seed was too heavy to carry that far, but the fourwing proved that wrong).
*Insert “that”.

Quote from: Serris,Apr 7 2010 on  11:51 PM
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It seemed like he had been unusually distracted over the past week, and was adhering to his responsibilities  less and less. The adults didn't seem to mind at all either; [delete "like"] whatever Sky was doing* they sympathized with him on some level.
*If you change the sentence to this, a comma should be inserted here.

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"Things aren't the same here compared to the Feral Forest* Cloud," interjected Sky with a bit of embarassment, "in the Great Valley, all types of land walker live in harmony."
I think this would sound less awkward if the words were “are different here from” or “aren’t the same here as in”. Also, do you usually spell “landwalker” with a space in the middle?
*Comma.

Quote from: Serris,Apr 7 2010 on  11:51 PM
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For all its *high intelligence** wingtail society was still as **supremecist** as it had always been.
*advancements* would work better in that sentence.
**speciesist or biased** would work better
I see nothing wrong with “supremacist” myself, but the word is misspelled (the second 'e' should be an 'a').
*Comma.



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Sky

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I have. :) But it's really old: Sky Hatchling
But I may sketch a new one (and maybe Caustizer wants a family pic for Act IV :^.^: who knows...)