Jokes and Gags

Littlefoot1616 · **on:** November 02, 2004, 10:10:02 PM

Got any good jokes! Anything you got let's hear it but be wary of offending people! Nothing too rude, discriminating or just plain dirty! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Anywho...I'll kick start with this one my friend at work told me...

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe and he goes up to the bar. The bartender looks at them weird but still asks, "What can I get ya?"
"Pint for me buddy and a vodka shot of me giraffe here!" The bartender shrugs and pours them their drinks. All through the night, this man and his giraffe are knocking back the alcohol right up until last orders. Once closing time comes, the bartender looks down to find the man, completely drunk, face down on the bar. He shakes him and tells him that it's closing time. The man rolls off the bar stool and heads for the door. The bartender calls to him and points at his giraffe who was passed out on the floor.
"Oi mate! You can't leave that lying there!" he shouts. The man turns around, looks at the giraffe and then back at the bartender with a confused look on his face and says:
"What you talking about? That's not a lion it's a giraffe!"

WeirdRaptor · **Reply #1 on:** November 02, 2004, 10:20:49 PM

B)

: That was funny.

Petrie · **Reply #2 on:** November 02, 2004, 11:44:38 PM

Ok I think I get that one.

A man walked into a bar. He said ouch. >.<

WeirdRaptor · **Reply #3 on:** November 03, 2004, 12:20:11 AM

NewOrder · **Reply #4 on:** November 03, 2004, 06:52:14 AM

Sorry for beeing so critisising.. but come on.. you can do a lot better than that =P

Petrie · **Reply #5 on:** November 03, 2004, 10:19:03 AM

Sometimes the simplest jokes are the funniest ones though.

Petrie · **Reply #6 on:** November 03, 2004, 11:29:31 PM

NewOrder will probably have to think about this one but for everyone else:

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko

NewOrder · **Reply #7 on:** November 05, 2004, 04:13:07 PM

Lool.. ok, ok.. I found it funny kuase of de quatro sinko.. as in 4 and 5 (well I can't really explian it..) anyway.. I guess you said that cause all you others are american or something like that.. besides Malte, Littlefoot1616 and Arvens I don't know where the others live =x

Petrie · **Reply #8 on:** November 05, 2004, 04:19:46 PM

Four sink in the quicksand.

Malte279 · **Reply #9 on:** November 05, 2004, 04:29:28 PM

This is a limmeric rather than a joke, but when it was quoted during an English literature lecture at the university I found it really funny:

There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger;
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the Tiger.

Littlefoot1616 · **Reply #10 on:** November 07, 2004, 07:53:06 AM

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

Malte279 · **Reply #11 on:** November 11, 2004, 03:41:20 PM

Hi!
Now this is not exactly a joke, but it is still funny. During a Linguistic lesson at the university today one of the few advantages was pointed out that German language has over English language. In German letters are almost always pronounced exactly the same way; not so in English.
One linguist (who must've been in a funny mood) pointed the following thing out. Actually it ought to be possible to spell the word "fish" as "ghoti" in English without varying the pronounciation. You don't believe it?
Then take the "gh" or tough, at the "o" of women, and complete it by adding the "ti" of information. What do you get when you pronounce that aloud?

Littlefoot1616 · **Reply #12 on:** November 12, 2004, 11:12:18 AM

OK...PMSL! Like a complete spooner, I was there for a good while trying to pronounce that

The worrying thing is that it IS actually right! OMG! My own language is being manipulated! It could be a whole new branch of English!

Anywho, another joke story I heard. Bit of a long-winded one but here goes...

One day, a keen fisherman decided that he wanted to try something new. Being bored of casting his line into the local pond to catch fish, he decided to try fishing in ice like the eskimos did. So, he packed his stuff, and set off for his fishing trip but as he was about to leave he suddenly thought of something. Eskimos live at the poles...how in the world was he going to get THERE?! He could afford a journey there by plane or boat and they probably didn't do commercial trips out there anyway. "No problem!" the man thought, "I just have to find somewhere local." So he set off.

Before long, he came to patch of ice with some skaters on it. "Great! I can fish right here!" the man said. Taking his saw, he cut a hole in the ice and dropped his line into the water. As soon as he sat down to get comfortable, the man jumped as he hear a great booming voice call down on him saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" The man looked around confused. "Must be a bad spot then..." he thought so he picked up everything and moved to a new place. Here, he did the same. He cut a hole in the ice and began to fish but again...the great booming voice called down on him. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" A little shocked, the man picks himself up and decides to move to another spot. Once there, he tried again. Cut a hole and dipped his line in. For a third time, the voice rang out, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" Now very scared, the man looks up to the sky and says in a sheepish voice,"Who are you?! Are you God?! Why are there no fish under the ice?!" After a few seconds wait, the great voice spoke again. "No! I am not God! I am the manager of the Sports Centre! We do NOT keep fish in our ice-skating rink so please leave otherwise I will pressure charges!" Feeling, rather foolish, the man snatches up his stuff and runs out of the sports centre...

Malte279 · **Reply #13 on:** November 12, 2004, 06:59:54 PM

That guy must've really been focused too much on the fish (or should I say ghoti?) in his (fishy?) mind rather than on the real world around him.

After I've had this linguist (don't know his name) have his say about English language I found some very funny quotes on German language written by the famous American writer Mark Twain. These quotes are even more funny if you know German, but even if you don't they are funny enough:

Quote

My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.

Quote

A dog is "der Hund"; a woman is "die Frau"; a horse is "das Pferd"; now you put that dog in the genitive case, and is he the same dog he was before? No, sir; he is "des Hundes"; put him in the dative case and what is he? Why, he is "dem Hund." Now you snatch him into the accusative case and how is it with him? Why, he is "den Hunden." But suppose he happens to be twins and you have to pluralize him- what then? Why, they'll swat that twin dog around through the 4 cases until he'll think he's an entire international dog-show all in is own person. I don't like dogs, but I wouldn't treat a dog like that- I wouldn't even treat a borrowed dog that way. Well, it's just the same with a cat. They start her in at the nominative singular in good health and fair to look upon, and they sweat her through all the 4 cases and the 16 the's and when she limps out through the accusative plural you wouldn't recognize her for the same being. Yes, sir, once the German language gets hold of a cat, it's goodbye cat. That's about the amount of it.

I have to add that Mark Twain is mistaken about the accusative singular of "Hund" it would be "den Hund" while "den Hunden" is accusative plural

Littlefoot1616 · **Reply #14 on:** November 17, 2004, 05:03:14 PM

A funny story I got from the internet via a good friend of mine from back home... This was a newspaper article written and my friend forwarded it to me. Ready?

One blisteringly hot day, somewhere in America a woman went for her weekly shop at a supermarket. As she loaded the bags into her back seat, she went to sit in the driver's seat. All of a sudden, as she sat down, there was a deafening BANG and something hit her in the back of her head through the small gap in her headrest. Examining the impact, she suddenly gasped and held the back of her head tightly. Anyway, a man comes in and parks beside her to grab some bits. He notices the woman holding the back of her head looking rather shocked and unmoving. Thinking nothing of it, he disappears, does his shop (for a good 2 hours) and returns to his car. To his surprise, the woman is STILL in her car sitting in the same position STILL with her hands on her head. He knocks on the window can calls to her.
"Excuse me miss? Are you all right?"
"NO! I think I'm seriously hurt!" she cals back hardly moving an inch. The man goes to open the door but she shrieks for him not to move her. Alarmed that she wouldnt let him near her,the man decides to call the emergency services. They arrive and she still wont let them move her.
"What's wrong madam?" a cop asks her slowly.
"I've been hit in the back of the head! I can feel something soft. I think Im holding my brain in!" she says hurryingly. Looking shocked, the cops decide that moving her could put her in great distress so they decide to cut her out of the car. After removing the front of her car and getting her to allow them to move her, they pull her out and paramedics inspect her injury. The man suddenly bursts out laughing as he looks at her head and then in the back of her car.
As it turned out, the woman was NOT holding her brains in...in fact she was perfectly fine. What had happened was that the intense heat had heated up a can in her groceries, exploded and launched a loaf of bread into the back of her head. Since she was unable to see this, the woman quickly assumed she her brain was falling out the back of her head!

That was a rather nasty joke as a sign off but I wont post that up just in case it offends! Pretty wacked up huh?!

Threehorn · **Reply #15 on:** November 17, 2004, 07:31:38 PM

3 horns
3 noses
3 eyes
3 ears

what does it make?

A freakursaurs

-Threehorn

Petrie · **Reply #16 on:** November 18, 2004, 10:17:08 AM

I've heard that one before Jay.

Still is funny though.

I don't get yours Threehorn. :unsure:

Threehorn · **Reply #17 on:** November 18, 2004, 05:40:52 PM

YOu got no sense of humor if you don't get that

-Threehorn

Littlefoot1616 · **Reply #18 on:** November 21, 2004, 09:46:02 AM

Yo! Chill out! It's only a bit of fun! Let's not get heated over this...

A rather bad joke I heard from a kid when Pokemon was the in thing but here goes...

Why can't you play Hide-n-Seek with a Pokemon?

Coz they always PI-KA-CHU...

Geddit?

Malte279 · **Reply #19 on:** November 23, 2004, 07:38:46 AM

Hi!
Once there was an international poll according to which the following joke was considered the most funny in the world. The result probably comes more from the fact that the joke works out in many languages and is considered funny in different cultures, not so much because it would make us explode with laughter. Nevertheless it is not bad:

Two hunters are out in the forrest, when suddenly one of them suffers a heart attack. He gasps, grasps at his chest and drops to the ground. The other one panicks and makes an emergency call with his cell phone. "My friend is dead!" he shouts at the emergency call operator. "My friend is dead! What shall I do?"
"Stay calm!" says the emergency call operator. "First of all make sure he is really dead."
The next moment he hears a shot ringing through the phone, then the hunter asks: "Okay, what next?"