The funniest things you've said or heard

[Pangaea]

Here’s one that I thought was kind of appropriate to post on Halloween:

In December 2007, my final project for one of my college courses was a presentation on vampires, which I practiced beforehand in front of my family. My mom suggested that I bring in some props such as garlic or crucifixes, and this conversation ensued:

Me: “I’m not bringing garlic!”

My dad: “Well, can you bring in a crucifix?”

My mom: “I have a crucifix hanging there on the Christmas tree.”

Me: (*my interest piqued*) “Oh, really? Where?”

My mom: “Right there.”

*My youngest brother points out the cross ornament for me. I take one look at it and am not impressed.*

My mom: “Why don’t you bring that in?”

Me: “It’s crocheted!”

*My dad cracks up. I grab the “cross” and hold it up.*

Me: “It’s a freakin’ doily!”

*By now, my mom has joined in the laughter.*

Me: (*sarcastically*) “Yeah, this’ll scare off a vampire.”

*I mockingly hold the doily-cutout-cross out in front of me, as if to fend off a vampire.*

[Zenoah]

A few days before Halloween I was at a free showing of Hocus Pocus at the theater.
Kids were swarming me for I had on a kitty mascot head.

Well these two boys were talking with me and one told me this interesting fact.

"President Obama is our 5th President. Because there were 5 other Obamas before him but they all died...so that's why Obama is our 5th."

Or something like that.
I tried so hard not to laugh aloud. It was extreemly adorable yet hillarious.

[Valeron]

Oh, I've got a lot of these.... sadly most of them are of an adult nature.

[Cancerian Tiger]

Saw this one on a bumper sticker:

"Nothing is impossible, eh?  Try slamming a revolving door!"

[Pangaea]

Some members of my family (myself included ) have a habit of talking to things that cannot reply to us. One time, my younger brother was doing this while the both of us were making lunch in the kitchen, and I brought this up:

Me: “Do you always talk to the cheese this much when you’re making sandwiches?”

My mom also tends to talk to characters on the TV. One time I made the following comment:

Me: “Intensive scientific studies have shown that people on the television screen cannot hear you when you talk to them.”

[Cancerian Tiger]

This one happened today while I was grouting ceramic tile:

Me (about to grout around an electrical outlet): "A'ight, I'm gonna put some of this grout on my finger and shove it right here."

Relative: "Did I just hear you say you're going to stick your finger in the socket?!"

Me: "No way, I'd have to be a dumba** to do that, or try for a Darwin Award."

Relative: "Well, it wouldn't surprise me." 

What I hear if I'm at home and run into something (my relatively fast pace is also taken into consideration in the following statement):

Relative (jokingly): "There you go chargin' in here like a bull in a china shop again!"

[Redtooth101]

Some of my older brother's stuff.

Brother: Scientist call it being bi-sexual...I call it being damn greedy, I mean pick one already?

Little brother: I'm bored
Brother: Go sit in the toilet
Little brother: But I don't have to poo
Brother: So? You'll be amazed how time flies when your on the toilet, that's when you think and use your imagination.

Brother(to his car): Tomorrow we're gonna smoke 'em...What do ya mean I change gear sloppy, you gearbox is the problem...well I wouldn't have ha to mess with it if it was good in the first place...don't go blaming this on the company it's all your fault...yeah maybe I should have gotten a Toyota...well excuse me Mr. I can't keep my tail under control...you know what thats it, time out I'm putting you in the garage.

He pauses like it's talking to him  

[Pangaea]

Oyg…I'm really in need of some humor right now. Here's a few more random amusing quotes from me and my family:

My youngest brother: “Did you call me a lump?”

Me: “No. I just burped.”

This one happened after my youngest brother used an unusual idiom (I forgot what it was) while talking with my older younger brother:

My youngest brother: “It’s a figure of speech.”

My older younger brother: “Oh. I’ve never heard that one before.”

My youngest brother: “That’s because I made it up.”

On this occasion, my family and I were having walleye for dinner. I had selected a much smaller plate for my meal than anyone else, and my mom took notice as I was squeezing lemon juice over my fish:

My mom: “Why do you have a tiny plate?”

Me: “It has a smaller surface area, so there’s less room for the lemon to spread out, and it pools.”

My mom: “Well, it’s weird, but at least there’s a scientific reason for it.”

Me: “There’s always a scientific reason for anything weird that I do...that, or I’m just being stupid.”

My mom: “Well, there’s a scientific reason for stupidity, too.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s called natural selection.”

My mom: (*laughs*) “Right!”

Anyone else have a funny quote or story to share? I'm dying for a laugh right now!

[MrDrake]

I have one from my sister yesterday.

She was at the computer, and it wasn't working for her....and she calls out "You black piece of sh!t!"

Thing is, the computer is a black computer....so yeah....

[vonboy]

whenever me or my siblings fell of a bike or something like that when we were little, my parents always asked something along the lines of

Did you hurt the road?

[Pangaea]

^ I remember my dad saying almost the same thing once (and probably on other occasions as well) when I hit my head on a door frame:

My dad: “Is the door okay?”

[LBTDiclonius]

This happened just last night.

Me: *Looks at tv screen* Oh my god!

Mom: What?

Me: Nothing.

Mom: Why did you say, "Oh my god"?

Me: I saw the meaning of life.

 

PS, the "meaning of life" thing is because I saw "Monty Python and the Meaning of Life." on the tv, and I was glad that my dad taped it, FYI.

[trulyfantasticme]

Haylie survived in the sharptooth attack because she's...

FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!! :blink:        

Read Always the Same Sun for details. Link is in my signature.

[The Friendly Sharptooth]

My family often has short yet amusing exhanges, and I figured I'd share two from last night:

Brother: Hey, Michael, when you go to Jasper tomorrow, would you please take my game back and get me a new one? I'll set it right here on the table for you.

Me: Thank you.

Brother: You're welcome. /Turns to leave

Me: Wait, didn't that just happen backwards?

Brother: Yeah, well, I was going to thank you, but when you did, I just went with the flow.

Me: Oh.

Father: Mike, where did I have the bandages last?

Me: If you would examine the words in your own sentence, you would realize that I have no idea, and that the only person who would know, is you.

Father: /Sigh

[kjeldo]

on the 21st my sister celebrated her birthday, but there were also standing my graduation cards i've received on a table, so someone of my sister's friends asked if those cards were for me, i said that she isn't popular enough for so many birthday cards!

OK, that one was downright mean, 'chuckle'

[Redtooth101]

Mom: What are you doing in the kitchen so long?

Me: The same thing I do every night.

Mom: ?

Me: Trying to take over the world!

It just happened  

[The Friendly Sharptooth]

This just now happened. While I personally do not find it funny, I assume there are those who might. I just got a text message that said:

Our 2 are starving.

So I wrote a text back that said:

I am sorry to hear that you know of some who are starving, and I will keep the situation in my prayers, but so you'll know, you've got the wrong number.

Thinking that would be the end of it, I closed my phone, but another text message arrived:

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry; will edit my contact info!

So to that, I texted:

No need to apologize. Wrong numbers happen all the time. Have a nice day, and I hope that those you mentioned get some food. God bless.

Again thinking that was the last I'd heard from this person, I closed my phone once more then heard a familiar alert, showing:

Thank you! Have a blessed day!

At that point, I wanted to say, "You're welcome, you too," but I thought that would be going too far so left it at that.

[Allicloud]

Had this little conversation last time I brought my Pleo (a robotic pet dinosaur) into school. Me and a few other guys were playing around with him. One guy started petting and tickling him.

Guy 1: This is so weird...I'm tickling a dinosaur.

(Another guys starts tickling the enormous guy standing next to him)

Guy 2: Me too.

Another little exchange that occurred when I brought him in. Once again, me and some other guys are petting him and playing with him.

Guy 1: Hey Mike, what would you do if I kicked it across the room right now?

Me: (In a scarily calm voice) Well, he'd probably be totalled, so I'd kill you several times, then make you pay to get him replaced.

[Serris]

Bulbagarden forum

Zekurom: You have to be  to the be only person who can write a crack fic and then have it morph into a war story before you finish 20 chapters.

[LBTDiclonius]

When I was volunteering for camp, I got stuck with the youngest group. Sure, they're cute, but it's a lot of work, believe me. Anyway, while we were making rice crispie squares or something, the kids, another leader and I were playing a game of "We're going on a picnic" and the point is you have to name something you want to "bring" but there's a trick to it. If you don't get it you can't "go". Anyway, the trick was that they had to "bring" something that started with the letter of their name. When it came to this one kid, George, (He's a real trouble maker, that one. The leader of our group had to talk to his mother!) thought of something to "bring". It was wrong, of course, but here's the little conversation he and the leader who was playing the game with us.

Leader: "You can't bring that, George. But you could bring a GIRAFFE because you're GEORGE."

George: "But I don't wanna."

Leader: "Come on, you can bring a Giraffe and then you can go."

George: "...Giraffe is Giraffe."

Me and the Leader: *Looks at each other with  :blink: look on our faces*

Yeah! I don't get it either! Haa...the mind of six year olds.