The value of honesty

Saft · **on:** May 06, 2011, 07:25:28 PM

Please excuse me if I come across as cynical in this post. I'm quite angry over something at the moment. However, I wanted to ask you guys (since you guys are just awesome with this type of thing) what you guys think about the importance of honesty.

Do you value honesty as a whole? Is there such a thing as being too harsh in telling the truth? Should you sugar-coat the truth so it doesn't come across as harsh? Is honesty always appreciated? Or should you just always lie?

I just don't get it. I always try to be honest, yet sometimes it isn't welcome. Does that mean I have to lie because being honest even though it is harsh and blunt isn't welcome?

Malte279 · **Reply #1 on:** May 06, 2011, 07:51:51 PM

Sugar-coating is a very negative term. It applies I think when the truth is deliberately distorted to the point where it may not even be truth anymore. However, I also think that it is possible to present the truth in different ways. You can hold it out for someone to put on like a cloak or you can slap it into someones face like a wet towel. One might perhaps call it sugar coating if someone brings across a harsh truth as gently as possible, but this kind of sensitivity, even when sometimes perhaps changing the image of the truth, may be beneficial. It may be easier for someone to accept the truth and perhaps draw the right conclusions and conduct the right (re)actions if an inconvenient truth is brought across diplomatically. There are cases where the truth must be brought forth as drastic as possible, but in many cases this might propel the wrong reactions. The same truth can be brought across in very different ways and there are cases where diplomacy might be the better choice over too harsh bluntness and vice versa.

The Friendly Sharptooth · **Reply #2 on:** May 06, 2011, 08:48:18 PM

I think that telling the truth is always the way to go because if one doesn’t, and the person finds out later, it will hurt far more than if the truth had been told at the start. I once knew someone who was very sensitive of other people’s feelings. This person made a difficult decision in regards to me, and when the time came for the person to tell me, the person explained the reasoning exactly opposite what it really was to keep my feelings from being hurt. Well, the person succeeded- at first. When I later found out that the reasoning was completely contrary to what I was told, it pained me far more than it would have if the person had told me the truth at the beginning.

So telling the truth can be very painful. Sometimes, there is no alternative way of putting it, making bluntness the only option besides lying. It can be very hard to say it, but one should realize the repercussions of sugar coating something only for the person to learn the truth later. In terms of war, sugar coating is like protecting a soldier from a bullet only for the soldier to be hit by a grenade later. Sure, the reactions of being brutally honest can be painful for both the speaker and listener, but if one hides things at the start, not only is someone setting him or herself up for worse pain later, but also lowering him or herself to being a liar. So I think it comes down to, in some cases, pain at the start, or worse pain that is delayed. If people get mad at someone, know that they would be even madder if that person were to lie and they come to learn of it later.

landbeforetimelover · **Reply #3 on:** May 06, 2011, 09:01:53 PM

Life is what it is. I've never understood the reasoning in lying to someone to protect them from the truth. The only exception I could think of is if someone is dying and they want to know if their child is okay or something. If they're going to die either way, you might as well make them feel good by telling them their child is fine even if it's a lie. But other than that, no. I don't think a lie serves any useful purpose. Things are the way they are and telling falsehoods doesn't help the situation.

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #4 on:** May 07, 2011, 01:22:33 AM

I have a tendency to be honest to a fault, aka blunt. I'm probably one of the world's most terrible liars. If I ever tried to tell a lie as a kid, I'd turn around right away and fess up to the other individual 'cuz my conscience would get the best of me. It does even if I accidentally tell a lie. Like if I were to tell a customer the grocery store I work for doesn't carry an item, only to find out we now do, I go back to that customer admitting I screwed up and even help them find the item.

I try to do what Emily Dickinson wrote a poem on: Tell the truth, but tell it slant. In other words, I tell the truth but do my best to keep my choice of words or the way I say it not so harsh, as it is really easy for a blunt person to be taken the wrong way

.

To answer your question, yes I place a high value on honesty. I really hate being lied to <_<.

Mumbling · **Reply #5 on:** May 07, 2011, 01:52:11 AM

I'm personally one of those who have sworn never to make up big lies, due to knowing what can come from them. Saying that I never lie is a lie of course, and I'm a good liar too, but I never feel good about it... I value honesty a lot, even if it comes too direct as in CT's case.

Malte279 · **Reply #6 on:** May 07, 2011, 05:59:15 AM

Make no mistake, I'm not advocating lying or anything here, but compare these three forms of the same statement:

"I don't think you're right about this one. Maybe you should look it up again. I'm pretty sure X said so to."

"You're wrong! Check it out! X says so to."

"You're babbling nonsense! Check out what you're talking about, will you! X is with me on that!"

Or in case if someone asked for example if you like her new necklace you (which you totally don't) here are again two options of saying basically the same thing but in different ways:

"Well, it is not really to my taste to be honest. Personally I prefered your old necklace."

"Uh, that's just ugly! Get on your old necklace instead!"

While the second statement may sometimes be a more accurate transcription of what your mind is telling you, I think the first is definitely more polite and even if it comes with some sugar coating that some may consider "lying" I still think there is nothing wrong with this kind of politeness and the very direct and potentially offensive approach ought to be reserved for cases where real harm could come from a wrong decision. Also if this direct, blunt approach is usually avoided, it will be a lot more powerful if indeed it is used in a dire emergency.

Malte279 · **Reply #7 on:** May 07, 2011, 06:08:27 AM

Again, don't get me wrong. I am not advocating outright lying or anything but if for example politicians always picked the blunt approach rather than the more sensitive diplomatic one I don't think one needs to be an utilitarian of limited morals to think that the sugar in conversation is lesser harm than hostility or even war provoked by such bluntness.

Also there are other scenarios to take into account. Imagine three friends two of whom get in a quarrel and in a fit of rage tell the third friend ugly things about one another which they would never say but for the anger of the moment. The third friend is aware of the likelihood of the two reconciliating again.
Would he be a liar for not telling one of the two what ugly things the other one said?
Would he have to be condemned even if he pretended the other one didn't say anything in the awareness that it would harm the relationship between the other two and make a reconciliation less likely?
If (to come up with a most drastic example) a lie can save the life of a human, is the liar to be condemned?

Saft · **Reply #8 on:** May 10, 2011, 05:50:22 PM

So long have I often feared other people's feelings that I would try to avoid the situation but then my conscience would peak up and bother me. I have learnt the hard way with both variants. To be mindful of other people's feelings and still tell the truth is very difficult, when all I want to do is tell it the way it is. It is an impulse that I used to have to mask. Now, I no longer do that. I tell it how it is....instead of sugar coating it, it makes me feel better and whilst it may have hurt the person that is something that I can not help anymore otherwise it'll just be as equally hurtful for me. Selfish perhaps? Yeah....but it is always better to tell the truth. It is not my fault if people can not accept it.

WeirdRaptor · **Reply #9 on:** May 12, 2011, 05:05:20 AM

I think you should be honest as often as you can without slipping up. The people around you deserve to know the truth. If they're dying: tell them. Not telling someone that they're dying or that their child is dead can only bite you in the ass.