Land Before Time: Twilight Valley

Caustizer · **Reply #140 on:** November 14, 2009, 01:05:39 PM

I really liked this chapter, and I really couldn't find anything out of place. I liked how you started to explain things about Fang Valley's defectors to develop their character, and I also like how the impact of the war was mentioned.

Both of these parts were so well done that I couldn't have done something better.

Also on a subtle note, I noticed how Mr. Bigmouth mentioned that a certain weapon that Claw Valley used was too unsafe, and therefore disallowed its use. This demonstrates the differences of ideology between the leaf-eaters and the sharpteeth... something that I wanted to highlight in my futuristic spinoff too.

Caustizer.

Serris · **Reply #141 on:** November 15, 2009, 04:01:00 AM

I would like to address everyone's comments:

Dark Pterano:

I decided not to use the name "Rex" as it is a bit cliche for for a theropod (sharptooth).

Also, I try to make puns out of the names, thus I do not use Human names unless I can make a pun with them (Achilles = Achillobator, Ed = Edmontosaurus)

SouthPawRacer:

Well, I intentionally made this chapter slow because the previous 2 chapters had some VERY high octane scenes in them.

Cancerian Tiger:

Pretty much the only characters who I can guarantee will not die are: Littlefoot, Cera, Spike, Chomper, Ali, Ducky, Petrie and Ruby. Anyone else MAY die.

Caustizer:

Yes, Mr. Bigmouth did allow use of the "vine-rock" but attaching the "vine-rock" to a stick to make a flail is forbidden. However, some of Excidium's forces will use crude flails but they will not be encountered until later.

Thank you all for the comments!

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Also, I am torn between adding the Yellowbellies and the Tinysauruses. Admittedly, I kind of hate them but somehow it seems a little late to introduce the Tinysauruses.

Also, would they actually serve any role in the war?

Serris · **Reply #142 on:** December 08, 2009, 06:43:54 PM

Chapter 31 is online!

Writer's block sucks.

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Chapter 31

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Author's Notes:

The chapter title comes from the lyrics of Primo Victoria by Sabaton, a Swedish Power Metal band. Listen to Primo Victoria (with lyrics) here.

In case it was not obvious, High Tree Island is that island from LBT 5.

The conversation about Yellowbellies between Deimos, Littlefoot and Cera was inspired by a question I asked in Cancerian Tiger's "Ask Me" thread.

In case anyone is interested, here are some of the ages for the characters in the story:

Ducky: 22
Littlefoot: 23
Chomper: 20
Cera: 24
Spike: 24
Petrie: 22
Ruby: 25
Ali: 20
Hyp: 27
Nod: 29
Mutt: 26
Grandma Longneck: 82
Grandpa Longneck: 82
Pterano: 40
Mr. Threehorn: 44
Ms. Swimmer: 40
Hyp's Father: 42
Rytho: 21
Ed: 26
Vio: 22
Deimos: 22
Raptix: 21
Sorna: 52
Isla: 56
Nublar: 51
Cirrus: 12
Rime: 27

As a justification to why Spike has no lines: he chooses not to. A vow of silence, if you will.

Dark Pterano · **Reply #143 on:** December 08, 2009, 07:52:57 PM

I was wondering if you think that these ages would be okay for some of the other characters in your story?

Sierra: 30
Rinkus: 34
Ms. Flyer: 36
Bron: 48
Excidium: 57

Serris · **Reply #144 on:** December 08, 2009, 08:35:02 PM

Yeah, those ages should be right but Excidium is of indeterminate age (or possibly even ageless).

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #145 on:** December 08, 2009, 09:08:57 PM

I must admit, I cracked up at Cera's line regarding the incompetency of the Yellowbellies in warfare

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Caustizer · **Reply #146 on:** December 08, 2009, 11:48:22 PM

I enjoyed this chapter since it has been so long since an update occured, but yet again I'm getting the feeling that the story is dragging on without making any progress from chapter to chapter. As it stands I can't really see the end in sight, since the main priority of the Great Valley dinosaurs appears to be rescuing Ducky and Chomper as opposed to taking back their homeland and eventually defeating Claw Valley.

I liked the scene were they talk about the star days, and I get the feeling that you might be reading my story because I just did a bit on Star Days too

. I'm curious why the GV dinosaurs would be so happy about locating the Mysterious Island though, since Tyr and Ranno know where it is intuitively and it is of very little tactical value to either side, since Claw doesn't have a holding there (to my knowledge).

A few gramatical errors to be aware of too (man I'm turning into Pangaea here

):

Quote

“Anyone besides me shocked that Ms. Maia would do something like this?” Ms. Swimmer asked between mouthfuls of treestar leaves. “I mean, why would she do something like that?”

Here you repeat the underlined phrase twice, and apart from Ruby's unique speech habit it just implies that Ms. Swimmer is expressing the same thing twice. I would vary it up a bit in the second part to make the sentence flow a bit better.

Quote

“No!” Cera and Littlefoot shouted simultaneously. A few dinosaurs woke out and glared at the two.

I think I know what you ment here, but you should fix it so nobody else gets confused like me.

Caustizer.

Serris · **Reply #147 on:** December 09, 2009, 12:01:49 AM

Ms. Swimmer is talking like that because she is in shock.

As for the second grammatical error, that will be fixed later.

As for why High Tree Island is needed, well, Pterano and his flyers cannot make the journey to Cloud Island without a resting point.

And there will be some nasty surprises waiting for the exploration party at the Mysterious Island.

Oh yeah, the plot moves MUCH faster in the next few chapters... I forsee the GV dinosaurs planning to retake the Great Valley around Chapter 33 or so.

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #148 on:** December 09, 2009, 01:44:38 AM

Oooooh yeah...I forsee the final smackdown with Ms. Maia approaching soon. Things are gonna get even more intense now I'm sure

.

EDIT: Just curious, how is it that Ms. Swimmer is 35 and Ducky is 22? That would put Ms. Swimmer has having been thirteen years old when she had Ducky. That seems a bit odd :blink:.

tempestwheel · **Reply #149 on:** December 09, 2009, 01:53:41 AM

I can't wait to see the final showdown with Ms. Maia either!

For some reason, I'm kind of expecting her to be given the most gruesome, and maybe most creative death in the entire story...

Serris · **Reply #150 on:** December 09, 2009, 01:57:27 AM

Quote from: Cancerian Tiger,Dec 9 2009 on 12:44 AM

Just curious, how is it that Ms. Swimmer is 35 and Ducky is 22? That would put Ms. Swimmer has having been thirteen years old when she had Ducky. That seems a bit odd :blink:.

Oops. I made a slight miscalculation (math is my worst subject).

Ms. Swimmer should be 40.

Dark Pterano · **Reply #151 on:** December 09, 2009, 02:01:49 AM

I kind of have to agree about Ducky's mom being 35 and Ducky is 22, it doesn't make any sense to me. Is that in dino years, dog years or human years because I just don't understand it now?!

Serris · **Reply #152 on:** December 09, 2009, 02:03:43 AM

All ages are Human equivalent.

Dark Pterano · **Reply #153 on:** December 09, 2009, 02:11:28 AM

I take that back about Ms. Flyer being 36, she sould be around 39 since Ducky's mom is 40.

Serris · **Reply #154 on:** January 01, 2010, 08:11:44 PM

Here is is Chapter 32:

Chapter 32

Yes, I know it seems like it is dragging on but the "Cloud Island" arc is nearly at a close.

Next chapter closes the Cloud Island Arc with a lot of deaths.

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Author's Notes:

The chapter title is again, taken from the lyrics of Primo Victoria by Sabaton.

The dinosaur archers are a nod to the RP on the forum known as The Insane Cafe 3. There Mr. Bigmouth encounters the Great Valley dinosaurs armed with bows. However, as Pterano said bows are a very rare weapon so it is likely that these are the only dinosaur archers you see in the entire story.

Water fruit = coconut

The clearing with the stinking flowers is the same one from LBT 5.

Caustizer · **Reply #155 on:** January 01, 2010, 09:49:26 PM

After such a long hiatus I can say I certainly enjoyed this chapter. I'm glad that there is finally some progress being made in the group's escape from Cloud Island and that the Great Valley Airforce is setting up a forward airfield (although it seems more like a nominal thing as opposed to an important commitment).

I am eager to know just how Ducky and Chomper's group is going to escape from the Island with the way out being by sea creature or swimming (or log boat) or perhaps even on large fliers. It's nice to know that the escape will also feature a 'final battle' as it will where Ms. Maia and Procella will take a good shot at them before the escape.

Theta and Hasta or even any Claw lieutants haven't really made an appearance in a while which makes me speculate that they are kind of stagnating thinking the war has been won. I wouldn't be surprised if Excidium sets his sights on a different valley to conquer now that the Great Valley is his, but I suppose that is to be seen.

Also, I wonder what Excidium and Styracus are currently doing with the Stone of Cold Fire? Since it can ressurect dead heroes (presumably Claw Valley has been fighting a long time so there is an ample supply) I'd like to see them doing some very evil things with it in allusion to your foreshadow with Littlefoot.

Caustizer.

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #156 on:** January 02, 2010, 02:14:31 AM

Quote from: Caustizer,Jan 1 2010 on 08:49 PM

After such a long hiatus I can say I certainly enjoyed this chapter. I'm glad that there is finally some progress being made in the group's escape from Cloud Island and that the Great Valley Airforce is setting up a forward airfield (although it seems more like a nominal thing as opposed to an important commitment).

I am eager to know just how Ducky and Chomper's group is going to escape from the Island with the way out being by sea creature or swimming (or log boat) or perhaps even on large fliers. It's nice to know that the escape will also feature a 'final battle' as it will where Ms. Maia and Procella will take a good shot at them before the escape.

I second this

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Dark Pterano · **Reply #157 on:** January 03, 2010, 03:45:48 PM

There's a few things that I'm still having a hard time really understanding here?!

Plus I'm also wondering if you have dropped a lot if the ideas, that you once had for this story. Because you said that Strut and Ozzy as well as Pterano and Sierra would have a bunch of fights throughout the story.

You also said something about Theta was going to have a sister that would be killed in a fight with Ducky's mother at some point in this story. But the biggest thing I don't understand is where is this Petrie Detrie character that you plan to bring into the story.

Serris · **Reply #158 on:** January 03, 2010, 09:23:21 PM

Yes, Dark Pterano, I have dropped a fair amount of ideas.

Fierce Deity Petrie is something that will appear a lot later in the story.

Pterano and Strut will still fight but there is no reason for them to fight now.

Dark Pterano · **Reply #159 on:** January 04, 2010, 01:56:02 AM

Thanks for clearing that up for me, because for a few month's now. Things were kind of draging on it seemed and it had me really confused about what was going on in the story itself, most of the time?! PS, Is Strut still the one dino, that ends up killing Ms. Maia.