Funniest Quotes You've Heard

StarfallRaptor · **Reply #60 on:** August 05, 2008, 02:00:17 AM

Star Wars Episode 2
Anakin: (Holds up his ruined lightsaber) Not again...Obi-Wan's gonna kill me...

jedi472 · **Reply #61 on:** August 05, 2008, 11:37:54 AM

Here's some HK-47 quotes from Knights of the Old Republic:

"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope... Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."
―HK-47

"Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?"
―HK-47

"Droids tend to blend into the background, like a bench or a card table. Mockery: Droid, fetch this. Droid, translate that. Droid, clean out the trash compactor. Part of the love of my function comes when the ‘furnishings’ pull out tibanna-powered rifles and point them at the owners' heads."
―HK-47, on his lowly status as a droid

TheNumberOneShmuck · **Reply #62 on:** August 06, 2008, 06:36:43 AM

Launguage warning:

"You know they say guys suffer from premature ejaculation. That's not true, women suffer. What guy is suffering from this? 'Oh no, I'm cumming. Woe is me.'" - Robert Schimmel

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #63 on:** August 06, 2008, 10:46:56 AM

[The Simpsons]

Homer: WOO HOO! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! *Lights it on fire; and starts dancing with the flames spreading* I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T!!!!

TheNumberOneShmuck · **Reply #64 on:** August 12, 2008, 03:33:01 AM

To put this one in writing would be to destroy its greatness, so I instead provide you with a link.

LBTFan13 · **Reply #65 on:** August 12, 2008, 10:10:38 AM

XXX

Cage: You brought a bazooka? Stop thinking marines and start thinking Playstation! Blow s**t up!

Then he learns its a heat seaker, and notices a guy smoking again. He shoots the rocket and kills him.

Cage: I told him that cigarette would kill him someday.

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #66 on:** August 14, 2008, 12:51:11 PM

-Red vs Blue: Small Rewards PSA-

Grif: I hate Achievements.

Simmons: What? Why?

Grif: Because they're a waste of time; why bother with them.

Simmons: Why bother with anything in a video game. It's for fun.

Grif: That's not true, some games are serious business.

Simmons: What?

Grif: One time, I played Donkey Kong so well I cured Kidneyism. It was the best day ever. The end.

Simmons: "Kidneyism"? There no such disease as Kidneyism!

Grif: That's right, not anymore; 'cause I cured that b****.

Simmons: Idiot.

*Achievement Unlocked: 20G-Grif Burn*

Grif: What was that?

Simmons: That was one of our new video achievments. I got it for calling you an idiot.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #67 on:** August 19, 2008, 12:40:49 PM

Red VS blue Reconstruction chapter 11

Church: (in ghost form, just after leaving Caboose’s mind) Delta, Delta wait! Memory is the key? What about the Meta, what about –
Grif: Uh, dude?
Simmons: (standing next to Wash) Yeah, turns out I’m not so good at distracting.
Church: (still a ghost) Wash, don’t panic, I can explain…
Grif: Yeah, see when Simmons was boring you with a random conversation about nerd stuff, he was really just trying to distract you from what the Blue guy was doing.
Sarge: He means to explain the fact that he’s a ghost!
Grif: Oh, right. Yeah, he can explain that part, too.
Sarge: Idiot.

jedi472 · **Reply #68 on:** August 20, 2008, 10:29:04 PM

From Wayne's World (1992)

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that bullied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #69 on:** August 20, 2008, 10:45:05 PM

More funny AC quotes Albert Genette: "That pilot in the No 7 plane was amazing! Did you see her fight back?"
Heartbreak One: "I couldn't bear to watch. Nagase, you keep flying like that and you'll die real soon!"
Nagase: "I won't die, sir."
Heartbreak One: "Are you sure? You look like you couldn't hurt a fly."

AWACS Oka Nieba: La la la...listen to our beautiful voice! This is AWACS, Oka Nieba. That would mean 'Sky Eye' in your language."

Patrol Car Charlie 11: Baker 7, I'm going to attack [the military helicopters] myself!
Patrol Car Baker 7: Hey Charlie 11, what's that you got in the back seat?!
Patrol Car Charlie 11: That's my anti-tank rifle! I brought it with me from home!

Pixy: "Here comes the snow..."

PJ: "And I like to play polo. You know, the game with the horses? ...Maybe We should get going, now."

AWACS Eagle Eye: "Galm team, we cannot authorize a retreat. Intercept them!"
Pixy: "I figured you'd say that. This is gonna cost you extra."

Ilya Pasterneck: "Toscha, give me one of those apples you have there. Then go have a dance with the angels, will ya?"

Avalanche: "Are we even now, Garuda?"
Shamrock: "Avalanche, I got that fighter off your tail. Looks like you've still got a loan to pay off!"
Avalanche: "But don't forget about that 2nd Typhoon I shot down for you. That oughtta count for something!"
Snake Pit: "You two have a lot to learn from Talisman; he never takes out loans up here![roars with laughter]"

jedi472 · **Reply #70 on:** August 20, 2008, 11:01:47 PM

Hot Rod (2007)

[Rod sees a chuck of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream]
Dave: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Rod Kimble: Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave: This? Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick? Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, just try and relax.
Dave: Can't do, man. Can't do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all around you and you've got a mountain for a face.
Rod Kimble: I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, it's my mom's.
Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.
Rod Kimble: I didn't see anything.
Dave: Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.

Denise: I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise: Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Of course.
Denise: Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble: Wow, that's pretty racist, but correct. I'll see you later.

Rico: I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #71 on:** August 20, 2008, 11:06:22 PM

Pixy: Too bad buddy.
Pixy(Ariving in suped up superplane): So have you found a reason to fight yet... buddy?
Yellow-13: Who was that who shot me? See who's responsible for that shot!
Yellow squadron pilot: It's a ribbion.

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #72 on:** August 22, 2008, 12:08:34 PM

[Family Guy]

Tom Tucker: How's the weather out there Ollie?

Ollie: It's raining sideways!

Tom: Sounds rough Ollie. Do you have an umbrella?

Ollie: Had one.

Tom: Where is it?

Ollie: Inside out; two miles away.

Tom: Is there anything we can do for you?

Ollie: Bring me some soup.

Tom: What kind?

Ollie: CHUNKY!!!!

Tom: Alright we'll get on that...

The Chronicler · **Reply #73 on:** August 22, 2008, 04:08:18 PM

more Mythbusters quotes:

(Jamie is in a cabin in Alaska and sees a guy in a yeti costume out the window)
Jamie (sounding completely unamused): Oh look, there's a yeti outside.

Adam (in a French accent): Jamie, I think you used too much explosives.

jedi472 · **Reply #74 on:** August 22, 2008, 11:00:38 PM

Blades of Glory (2007)

Jimmy: Get out of my face.
Chazz: I'll get inside your face.

Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

Jimmy: I don't share rooms.
Chazz: I don't share SHIT...

Chazz: Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Chazz: Did you carve up any ice... with your weiner? (This one's pretty f***ed up)

Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

Chazz: [talking to the press] This is my brother. And this is my brother's new girlfriend and she is NOT a whore!

Bryce: Are you drunk?
Chazz: No, but this oughta do it
[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]
Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
[pause]
Bryce: You smell like urine.
Chazz: A lot?

Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you’ve brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
Jimmy: That was disgusting.
Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!
Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.
Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!
Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!
Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!

Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me.
Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron!
Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

TheNumberOneShmuck · **Reply #75 on:** August 24, 2008, 06:35:33 AM

(regarding language used on the news after a death)

"'Our thoughts are with the family'. What exactly does that mean? Sympathies I can understand. Prayers, as ineffective as they are, I can understand. But… thoughts? Why thoughts? What kind of thoughts? Just… thoughts? Like 'Gee, he's dead.'? How does that help? And where do these thoughts fit in your head, anyway? In between 'My ass hurts in this chair.' and 'Let's f*ck the waitress.'?" - George Carlin

Drake · **Reply #76 on:** August 24, 2008, 08:25:13 PM

Radar: The winners in the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Henry: Not that one, Radar!
Hawkeye: Let him read it, I haven't seen a sports page in months.
Radar: First place went to Private Norman Palansky and his yacht, the Majestic, corn cob construction with toliet paper sails.
Hawkeye: Ah, that Palansky has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second place went to Sergaent Timothy Macinnery with his clipper the Evangiline, covered from a pound cake his wife sent him six months ago... Remainder of the contestants failed to finish due to an unusually strong undertow just after breakfast.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #77 on:** August 25, 2008, 11:17:57 AM

Charles: Know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Potter: You know, I think he's getting the hang of this place.

Hawkeye: Finally!
BJ: I beg your pardon?
Hawkeye: It took you 6 minutes and three decks of cards to read that page.
BJ: Two pages. One on this side. One on that side.
Hawkeye: That still comes out to 78 cards a page. Nobody reads that slowly.
BJ: I'm not reading. I'm savouring.
Hawkeye: Savour faster. I'm desperate. I'd trade my soul for a laundry list.
BJ: Go over to the mess tent. Read the alphabet soup.
Hawkeye (holds up a card): How would you like a club in the mouth?
BJ: Relax! Relax, will you? I'll be finished with this, uh, Tuesday, latest.
Hawkeye: Tuesday!?
BJ: Wednesday?
Hawkeye: Look, I'm sitting reading your shoe size and not believing it, I might add. I'll never make it 'til Tuesday.
(Charles enters)
Charles: Hunnicutt, what page are you on?
BJ: 21.
Charles: 21? At the rate you read, the murderer would have escaped to Venezuela by now.

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.

Flagg: Alright, cards up and drop those hands!
Potter: What the Sam Hill-?
Hawkeye: I was just going to ask who was dummy.
Flagg: Grab those cards, they're evidence.
Doo Pak: (says something in Korean)
Flagg: Speak English!
Potter: I'll speak English! What is this idiocy about?
Flagg: Your spy ring.
Potter: Spy ring?
Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

Kilinger: Halt! Friend or foe?
Margret: Outta my way or I'll run you down!
Klinger: Pass... friend.

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #78 on:** August 25, 2008, 09:17:07 PM

-Red vs Blue-

Simmons: ...And how many snack cakes did you have today?

Grif: None.

Simmons: ...

Grif: Okay five; or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons: Do you even know how many there is in a Baker's dozen?

Grif: By my count: 48.

Drake · **Reply #79 on:** August 26, 2008, 02:11:22 PM

Grandma Longneck: You are all acting like children!

Petrie: Ha! Me no act like that.