The funniest things you've said or heard

Pangaea · **Reply #60 on:** December 21, 2011, 10:43:18 AM

Trips of the tongue are very common in my family, and I'm particularly apt at stumbling over my own words. When this happens, I have a habit of pausing to frustratedly (and sometimes comedically) bemoan my lingual ineptitude before getting back to what I was just saying. A rather amusing instance of this occurred last week, while my youngest brother and I were chatting over Skype on the day he was to come home from college for winter break. Our dad had just backed the car out of the driveway to leave on some errand, which I hoped was to retrieve my brother from his dorm.

Me: "I’m going to call Dad on his cell phone and find out where he’s going. I’m hoping he went to pick up you…pick you up. (beat) I can’t do grammar no more!"

LBTDiclonius · **Reply #61 on:** January 01, 2012, 03:22:11 AM

When my friend brought up some shot-glasses and I took mine and put it to my lips, this conversation then took place.

Quote

Me: "Ah, f***, this smells like chocolate."

*Squeezes it a bit harder, it breaks* (lol, that's what she said)

Me: "Ah, f***, it IS chocolate!"

I just found this really funny for some reason.

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #62 on:** January 25, 2012, 12:26:28 AM

This happened the other day at work, after the customer I was ringing up accidentally knocked over one of her bottles of wine and shattered it allover the floor.

Nearby customer: "Man, that's what you call alcohol abuse."

Me, customer, and surrounding others:

LBTDiclonius · **Reply #63 on:** February 08, 2012, 11:59:56 PM

This happened today, and I have to say, this just made my day.

We were in Home Ec. and our teacher asks us to introduce ourselves, some of our interests, and if we had any experience in sewing or cooking. Everything was going along smoothly, nothing out of the ordinary, but when it came to this one guy, after he stated his first interest, the whole class, even the teacher, burst out laughing.

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Guy: Okay, so my name's ______, and some of my interests are women-"

You know, for a guy I hate so much, he makes really funny comebacks.

Dr. Curzon · **Reply #64 on:** February 09, 2012, 08:54:28 AM

Okay, this wasn't really "said", but you'll get the idea.

We were having a Bible trivia contest. The question was, what was the "poor man's drink". The answer was vinegar (we wrote on a tagboard). What my classmate wrote made everyone, including the teacher, laugh.

Vodka.

I swear, the whole classroom was filled with laughter. I mean, that was in like, what, 50 A.D. Or something? how in the world would the answer be vodka? Now that was funny.

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #65 on:** March 07, 2012, 11:41:22 PM

This happened today at work, as I picked up a bag of trail mix that had fallen off the nuts section.

Four year-old girl nearby: "Mommy, look! She's grabbing some nuts!"

I held my laughter in case the mother did not want her kid to know that was okay to say, but to hear it from a toddler was just hilarious

.

MrDrake · **Reply #66 on:** March 10, 2012, 12:42:19 AM

Was at my friend's house earlier on today, he was playing the game Sudeki or whatever it was called, on the original Xbox. He had defeated the final boss, a cutscene happened, and in it, the player character defeated the boss in an explosion and in turn, cuts to the next part with puppets instead....

It caused me to say the following: "So, you managed to kill the final boss and the camera man", which caused him to laugh somewhat in regards to a rendered cutscene, to a more puppet style cutscene instead XD

The Chronicler · **Reply #67 on:** June 02, 2012, 06:55:15 PM

A few weeks ago, while my family and I were coming home from my college graduation ceremony, we stopped at a rest area along the highway so I could use the bathroom. When I came out, I noticed my brother was taking a picture of an ATM with his cellphone, which I found rather odd until he pointed out why he did so. Written on a piece of paper taped to the front of the ATM was something like:
"Do not let unsupervised kids play with this ATM. This is not a toy."

I wonder what could have happened to have prompted the owner to write this note.

I'm sure we're all familiar with fortune cookies by now. I've kept a few of those fortunes for their inspiring messages. The most recent one I got a few weeks ago, however, I've kept due to the humor of it:
"About time I got out of that cookie."

Isn't that best fortune you've ever read?

Pangaea · **Reply #68 on:** June 15, 2012, 02:47:01 AM

A while ago, I bought a book called The Book of Deadly Animals, detailing a wide variety of animal species with the potential to harm humans. When my youngest brother saw me reading it, we had this exchange:

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My brother: "What book did you get?"

Me: "It’s about the many creative ways in which animals kill people."

*Cue my brother cracking up.*

The Chronicler · **Reply #69 on:** September 17, 2012, 08:32:35 PM

On my "This Day in History" day-by-day calender, I got a good laugh out of today's page. Basically, a judge on Oakland, California in 1884 set a speed record of settling thirteen cases in six minutes. An example of how this was possible, the page also quoted a transcript from one trial in 1895:
defendant: I didn't think I was drunk, your honor.
judge:Not drunk?
defendant: Not very drunk.
judge: How drunk?
defendant: WellóI could see the moon.
officer: It was raining hard Sunday night when I arrested that man.
judge: Six dollars or three days. Next.

I showed it to the rest of my family and they also found it funny.

LBTDiclonius · **Reply #70 on:** October 28, 2012, 01:02:41 AM

My and friend were talking on Steam today, and somehow we got to role playing. Our topic was something utterly hilarious and I was like, "YOU SHOULD HEAR THE SOUNDS I'M MAKING. IT'S LIKE A WALRUS GIVING BIRTH TO A BLUE WHALE THAT'S HAVING A SCREAMING CONTEST WITH A T. REX."

Ptyra · **Reply #71 on:** October 30, 2012, 01:25:38 PM

So, in July, we were returning from a camping trip that my youngest brother and I were on and my dad had run over a Styrofoam box on the highway. When he was describing what had happened, he ended in "Well, it was a Styrofoam box"

I quipped "Now it's just Styrofoam". I meant it very seriously
And my parents started cracking up and then I realized that my comment was pretty funny XD

Cancerian Tiger · **Reply #72 on:** January 05, 2013, 11:22:15 PM

Some recent funnies

:

One day at work, this past week, a coworker and I were talking about how the vodka supply had gotten cleaned out on New Year's Eve and now folks were cleaning out the rum as we were folding shirts to put on the shelves.

Me: "Man, they've gone through that rum pretty quickly."

Coworker: "I'll say."

Me: "I could use some of that about now. This day's been bizarre."

We then start laughing about what I said, and moments later my left ear goes into a huge fit of tinnitus, buzzing and ringing to the point where I can't hear. I then knock down a sign on accident.

Me: "Hey, I'm buzzin' over here. Gimme a break."

The look on my coworker's face was priceless

. Then I realized what I had implied

. We both knew it was my ear ringing, but they kept on me the rest of the shift about rum

.

And here's something I overheard a father say to his young son who was playing with a golf ball display:

Father: "Hey, don't play with those balls. You only play with your balls. If those balls aren't yours, don't play with them."

I know, sick innuendo

:. I had to pretend nothing of that nature crossed my mind

.

Ptyra · **Reply #73 on:** January 05, 2013, 11:50:31 PM

And don't play with Little Timmy's balls either!

StrutEggStealer · **Reply #74 on:** January 22, 2013, 02:11:15 PM

I was chatting with an RP friend on fanFiction. We got on the subject of names. I said my name was Ruth because of a legacy of Ruths in my family.
His reply: Huh, Ruth, I honestly didn't expect that - you don't hear that name too often, nowadays. BTW, I ate you the other day

... My reply: You ATE me??? O_o

His reply: Yeah, I had a Baby Ruth

My reaction.... :blink:

Quote

And here's something I overheard a father say to his young son who was playing with a golf ball display:

Father: "Hey, don't play with those balls. You only play with your balls. If those balls aren't yours, don't play with them."

I know, sick innuendo . I had to pretend nothing of that nature crossed my mind .

OMG, that is the funniest thing I've ever read *proceeds to ROFL with gusto*

Pangaea · **Reply #75 on:** January 22, 2013, 02:51:31 PM

A few days ago, I came up with what I considered to be an ideal memory aid for the layperson to use to remember the distinction between animal poison and venom.

Me: “If it’s a venomous animal, it bites you and you die. If it’s a poisonous animal, you bite it and you die.”

vonboy · **Reply #76 on:** January 22, 2013, 03:53:51 PM

At work, a lot of people call me "Curly" now. (Like the three stooges, Larry, Curly, and Mo)

It all started when I started working in the toys department, and the Department Manager there started calling me that. She said something about never remembering my name, and just cal;ling me curly because of my very curly hair. Some people cracked jokes about who's mo and Larry, and I said they were, numbskulls!

Lots of other people started calling me curly after hearing her calling for Curly all the time.

So I'm curly at work, pretty much, the nicknames just kinda stuck with a lot of the associates there.

Ptyra · **Reply #77 on:** January 22, 2013, 04:34:29 PM

Quote from: Pangaea,Jan 22 2013 on 12:51 PM

A few days ago, I came up with what I considered to be an ideal memory aid for the layperson to use to remember the distinction between animal poison and venom.

Me: “If it’s a venomous animal, it bites you and you die. If it’s a poisonous animal, you bite it and you die.”

That's a perfect way to describe the difference between venomous and poisonous

So, my brothers and I were watching Aladdin on our way to Waco and we riffed bits of it. Eventually we came to saying this:
"You're no different from any other prince!"
"Can other princes FLY!?"

LBTDiclonius · **Reply #78 on:** July 24, 2013, 11:50:15 PM

Bump!

This isn't really something I heard, it's more of a joke, but I thought it was funny anyway.

What did the horse say when the Clydesdale came into his stable?

"Hmm, there's a draft in here."

StrutEggStealer · **Reply #79 on:** August 17, 2013, 10:15:39 AM

A couple nights ago, my fam and I were having these really random discussion, but I believe the point pertained to life on earth and not from outer space.
Anyway, my younger sister speaks up and starts having this moment of verbosity. "I mean like, well, I dunno.Then she rolls out this little gem. "I mean, if every single living orgasm on earth--"

She mean to say organism, but yeah, orgasm.
Us:

Her: What?