Fanfiction Voting 2012

[Fyn16]

Thanks for letting me know! I just wanted to make sure.  

[Fyn16]

Quite the generous rating there! The deadline of submitting of fanfictions has been postponed since the official awards have not started yet.

Speaking of which... when do the official awards start?

[Mumbling]

As soon as we've prepared everything; anytime now the awards will start

Review by TFS:

Title: Where Paths Diverge
Rating: 8/10

As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don’t have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I’m only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.

As this author is known, the story had a great hook to get readers invested and continued to engage us with canon character control and a serious plot. Many stories have tried covering what the future holds for Chomper as an adult, like him having to leave before he does anything or living off other resources. I must say, I do favor this depiction. Many writers have talked about instinct and Chomper, but this author SHOWS us instinct with Chomper. What's amusing is the conflict here. Stories can be man against man, man against nature, or man against himself, and I really love that this story has taken the latter in focus, something I rarely see (as a central theme, that is, as stories like Out of the Shadows have it as a subplot).

If I had to title the theme, it would choice versus destiny. We have a character born to be something, be a certain way, but his personality and influence in life have resulted in a very rare resistance to what is expected of his kind. "I can make my own destiny!" Him actually talking to his instincts which take the form of a second personality here was just genius in my opinion. There was a lot of setup for immense emotion with this plot. However, that's where my criticism begins.

This story's plot and advancement was great. Even after there being danger in the presence of Chomper now, his friends still stuck by him, and that was a really realistic and powerful way of portraying the gang. Some deep emotion could have really stirred here- but it didn't. The reason is the lack of paragraphs. Unless writing a graphic novel or comic book where the pictures do half the work, you need chunks of writing to be emotionally invested. It's hard to feel for a character in a story full of mostly just one or two liners. Look at this scene:

Littlefoot and his friends were struck dumb by what Chomper had just told them. He'd never tried to hurt anyone before. Why now?

"Chomper," Littlefoot said, "are you sure?"

"I wish I could deny it," he replied simply. Fyn spoke next.

"But I've never seen you act aggressively towards anyone. You're gentler than most of the Leaf-Eaters here."

That was set up very well to be a deep, emotional scene, but the lack of description in the form of paragraphs caused readers to really gloss over this. Here's an example:

The only sound to be heard was the wind howling through the reeds. Littlefoot and his friends just stood there, struck dumb by what Chomper had just told them. As their eyes widened in shock, and fear began seeping into the backs of their minds, they shifted uncomfortably. He'd never tried to hurt anyone before. Never. Not once. So why now? Being his best friend, Littlefoot was going to find out. He swallowed and summoned his courage to confront this awkward subject.

"Chomper," he began, stepping forward with a gentle expression, "are you- sure?" He tried his best to hide the quivering in his voice.

Chomper didn't answer. Though he wasn't hanging his head, he would not meet the longneck's eyes, only stared at the ground. He felt a burning in his nose that always came right before tears, but he tensed, trying to be strong and hide his grief. He took a deep breath through his mouth but still couldn't find the right words.

Ruby placed a hand on his side, and he returned her gaze. For once, Ruby had no words, but her expression clearly said, "It's alright. We're all friends here, all friends here we are."

Chomper's face turned away one final time before he forced it to look up, and he replied at last, "I wish- I wish I could deny it..." he replied somberly. "But- but I-"

Fyn saved him with an interruption. He knew how hard this must be to discuss. Kindness is how to help, how to heal, and Chomper needed as much as he could get right now.

"Chomper," he began, and the sharptooth looked at him, ""I've never seen you act aggressively towards anyone, anyone at all. You're- you're one of gentlest dinosaurs in the whole valley!"

There is more feeling when the story slows down and really puts emphasis on what is happening in a small scene. Otherwise, it feels more like the characters are reading a script. Furthermore, on the subject of it sounding rehearsed, the dialogue was written too well. That may sound like a joke, but the dialogue's grammar was too perfect. Again, I'm being serious. Characters don't talk grammarically correct all the time. It's important for a university paper but not for dialogue in a story. If the words don't fit the way characters naturally talk, it feels more like reading a story than feeling like you've delved into a whole new world.

Stories need things like, "Wanna, gotcha, 'kay, comin', Don't know, c'mon, eh... mehbe, etcetera," otherwise, the dialogue just sounds a bit stiff. Odd as it may sound, perfect grammar can weaken a story.

Another thing this story had some trouble with is unnecssary commas- a lot of them. They were for different reasons, but the main one was thinking subordinating conjunctions get the same treatment as coordinating ones do; they'd don't. When you have two independent clauses seperated by a coordinating conjunction, you put a comma before the conjunction:

"I love you, but I can't stay!"

"We must sing and dance, for we are so much better as a ream!"

"I can run to the store, or you can ride your bike there."

However, subordinating conjunctions, when seperating independent clauses, do NOT get seperated by a comma:

"I like you because you helped me."

"I'll cook the fish when you decide to stop being mean."

"The committee has agreed to your request since you saved the town."

There are many subordinating conjunctions, and it would prove beneficial to look them up so as to avoid unnecessary commas.

In conclusion, this story has everything readers have come to expect from this author, a fast-moving plot, realistic characters, very unique ideas, and enough surprises to keep readers engaged. However, it suffered more from lack of paragraphs than his last, as the more emotion and turmoil, the greater the need for bigger chunks of writing, so even if both stories had the same amount of paragraphs, this one had worked up more of an appetite for bigger meals than one or two liners. This one also seemed to have more unneeded commas than the first. Like additional stories should, the plot here was deeper than before, but the lack of extra details as it moved along made what would have been a very heartwrenching tale more potential than anything else. A great story but inferior to the first. I give it an 8/10.

[Mumbling]

The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend

As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don't have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I'm only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.

The story does have a warm, inviting atmosphere to it, but it's not all that exciting. It's the equivalent of taking your kids to a park playground and watching them. You like seeing them happy and having fun, but that's all. There is so much banter that could have been greatly reduced to a few lines that I kept finding myself instinctively skimming to find some action.

A story with few dire events can work well. This exists in things like dramas and romances where action can successfully be almost non existent. However, these stories focus heavily on character development, emotions, and relationships, something this story hasn't done much. It's pleasant and gives a nice feeling to read and I find to be soothing as well, but nothing is happening. Most of the chapters should be more like the prologue- some event. It's reminiscent of Beowulf, how he'd go off on some dangerous adventure to slay something followed by talking- and talking- and talking. The only difference is, Beowulf had additional major events happening after so much talking. Here, nothing has really occured since the prologue. Openings are usually the blandest part of stories in terms of action. They set the stage, provide backstory, or give an exemple of the times. This did the latter alright, but stories are supposed to increase in interest, not dwindle as it goes on.

This story did create a very interesting mystery which allowed a hook, but it's the only hook. We readers are very curious as to why Littlefoot and company want to hide the fact there's a nice sharptooth out there, but there needs to be more than a mystery sometimes to make a story fun from start to finish, instead of this- just waiting for the answer and for things to get really good.

A story written more like a play is unique, and it's nice to see some refreshing ideas out there. As mentioned previously, this is definitely one of the better prologues I've come across. The characters were canon, something especially noteworthy since they're older, so this successfully incorporated their personalities combined with increased maturity- very nice. The children took after their parents, another nice touch, though a bit more three dimensionalism may prove fruitful as time goes on, not just following the base trait of their parents to the very end. Offspring can take after their parents, but they shouldn't be their parents.

The dialogue was very realistic though I think it being less so would have given the story more energy. It sounds like what I'd really hear if I really sat down and eavesdropped on people, not so much a fantasy adventure.

Despite all the OCs, you managed to control everyone efficiently though no one has done much yet. On the other hand, managing to hold readers due to mystery alone is quite a feat, as usually I need some action as well to keep me going. If this was purely a mystery story, this would work better, but it lacks the qualities to be considered for the mystery genre. Next up is the grammar errors which there are a lot of. Some spell checkers come with a grammar checker too, something I'd invest in. For younger audiences, this is no issue. For older-minded people, it's a frequent distraction.

Despite issues, I reiterate that the tone is just wonderful. A warm, friendly feeling when reading a story is something I don't find often, and it was pulled off very well here. It really does mimic hanging around a park or forest. Because it lacks tension (yet), it serves as a very readable story for tired people, as when stressed, important events and plot twists are the last thing I want to delve into, so congratulations on the very nice ambience. Your descriptions on the scenery (while vague) are enough to really let readers see where your characters are, and because of your lack of detail, some imaginaion is allowed here. Sometimes it's good to be very specific, but things like just saying a waterfall or meadow really work for this simple story.

In short, this story is very easy and relaxing to read, but too many readers want more than just that. The dialogue lacks pep but is believable and canon, and the great mystery does its job of keeping readers hooked to the end. It was written in a unique prose which worked very well for this, and the voice of the story is very sunny. Still, due to a lack of events and having mostly just conversations about typical things, this story just lacks thrills outside of the prologue. Definintely above average, I give this a 6/10.

[Mumbling]

Past-O-Rama

As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don't have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I'm only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.

A comedy/adventure story about a human that goes back in time where hilarious antics ensue- that's a pretty cool idea. It's written like a play, something that worked well with the story. There wasn't much plot though, like the characters were just going wherever the wind took them. There wasn't much focus here, no real goal. The story did get some chuckles out of me, like the narrator giving up, and not many stories do this for me. The lighthearted feel was comfortable to read, allowing an inviting tone in any mood. But this story has one major flaw that makes it hard to get through- verbosity.

Things that could have easily and still elegantly been covered in a couple lines went on and on and on. Take the introductions. There was nothing strange about them, and they just took so long. There's a scientist here with future technology. Take advantage of this! Even the introductions in movie IX were more engaging, as they had variety. First off, one of them was introduced prior to, resulting in all the introductions not bunched together. One had some fun dialogue and a stunt, another just praise, another done by someone else which ended in a tone shift, etcetera. A lot could have happened here. For example, "The professor knew how bland introductions can be, so he pressed the "Skip Boringness" button on his watch, bypassing all the exchanges. BZZT. He instantly appeared two minutes into the future. 'It was nice meeting you all,' he concluded." Instead, we get a meeting like 95% of LBT stories.

As for the verbosity, small things took far too long. Take this, for example:

Ruby: "Oh, I didn't find it, Shorty did!"

Shorty breaks out of some bushes, and prances up into the middle of the group.

Shorty: "That right, I found that rock!"

Ruby: "So, where did you find it?"

Shorty: "Well... not in the Great Valley"

Ducky: "How not in the Great Valley?"

Shorty: "...The Mysterious Beyond!"

All of that would have been better if it was simply:

Ruby: "Oh, I didn't find it, Shorty did- out in the Mysterious Beyond!"

Length doesn't equal quality. To make successful long chats, there needs to be some pep, surprise, and point. Otherwise, use the least words possible to keep the story moving.

Still on the dialogue, it sounded so rehearsed, like it wasn't really happening. Compare the story to the following example:

Cera: "It just isn't like Chomper to go out on his own. He's so young. Younger than any of us."

Petrie: "Seems like we have to babysit him sometimes, Don't it?

They hear the Professor's pleas for help as well.

Cera: "What was that?"

Ducky: "It's the Professor. He sounds like he's in trouble."

Cera: "Well, he can handle it himself. We need to find Chomper."

And now:

Cera: What!? That isn't like him at all! That hatchling needs to learn his place, hmph!

Petrie: /Sigh Babysitting again.

Professor: Eyahhhhh!

Cera: What the-

Ducky: Sounds that professor guy! He's in trouble!

Cera: Pfft. Forget him. We're going to find Chomper.

Exclamation points and fragments are a dialogue writer's friends. Of course, complete sentences and good grammar can work if the wording is clever enough. Here's an excerpt from The Twelth Night:

SIR TOBY BELCH
What’s wrong with my niece? Why is she reacting so strangely to her brother’s death? Grief is bad for people’s health.
MARIA
For God’s sake, Sir Toby, you’ve got to come home earlier at night. My lady Olivia, your niece, disapproves of your late-night partying.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well, she can get used to it.
MARIA
Yes, but you need to keep yourself within the limits of order and decency.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Keep myself? The only thing I’m keeping myself in is the clothes I’m wearing. They’re good enough to drink in, and so are these boots. If they aren’t, they can go hang themselves by their own laces!

Readers need to feel energy and authors need to be lenient with people's attention spans.

Another thing that could have been improved is the whole commercial break thing. Authors should show, not tell. There should have been some work there. Just repeating that line sounds monotonous. Actually creating little uncanon commercials would have been humorous. For example:

Commercial Break

Littlefoot: Are your scales itchy? Do you find bathing under waterfalls to leave this dry feeling? Try this: oil of tree star. It makes even the toughest flesh feel hatchling smooth.

Cera: Yeah! My knees were always so rough and flaky, but thanks to oil of tree star, they're so nice now!

Littlefoot: Pity it doesn't work on attitudes...

Cera: What was that!?

Littlefoot: Oil of tree star, friends, for that silky-smooth sensation. Get it at your local valley now for only three shiny stones plus tax.

Cera: Hey, answer me!

(Resume chapter.)

The were some very creative jokes here, but like other things, they were drowned out by too many words. Some famous quotes that apply here are:

Thomas Jefferson said, “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."

Charles Mingus said, “Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity.”

William Strunk and E.B. White said, “Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subject only in outline, but that every word tell. “

I wish I could say more of this story, but that main issue is just too much talking. The setup is creative, the characters act as they should, the jokes are fresh, but one fault is all a story takes to not work. Another thing, though less significant in comparison, is the lack of action. Sure, there is a good amount in there, but the ratio of talking to doing is too small. For tons of talking, we get a few happenings. This story was clearly meant to be a comedy adventure, but the author may wish to invest more in the drama genre which is supposed to have a higher emphasis on talking than anything else. I have read many mangas listed under drama where the characters do almost nothing but talk for hundreds of pages, and it's very interesting. It just doesn't work for an adventure kind of thing.

The author clearly put a lot of work into this; that's very evident. There were some very interesting scenes that glowed with creativity, but there was also a lacking of direction. This story tried doing too much yet ended up accomplishing very little so didn't have much of an identity. I can't sum up what this is in a few words, but I should for a story. If the chapters were maybe 1/3 or 1/4 their size, and the author allowed more things to be implied than spelled out, this comedy adventure could have been much funnier and more lively. Instead, I see a lot of potential that could have blossomed and a pocket knife that's too hard to open from having an excess of tools. I give this a 4/10.

[Fyn16]

Let's see if we can get this voting back on track. Here's one I really enjoyed!

Fanfiction: Quest for the Mask of Life

Rating: 8.5/10

Because:

First, I want to start by saying this. Anyone can do a crossover story; it takes a good writer to actually do a crossover story well, and that's what I see with this work.

Chronicler, you did a very good job providing realistic dialogue, portraying the characters well (especially Ruby), keeping the reader engaged, and not making anything happen too quickly. Lots of details in this story were well-explained, and you were descriptive to the point that I could actually picture where the characters were and what was going on (granted, it probably helped that I used to be really into Bionicle as well). There are, however, a few things which kept me from rating this story higher.

First, as several other reviews within the story pointed out, a few names are thrown into the mix without necessarily explaining the story behind them. This can be confusing to those who aren't as familiar with the world of Bionicle. Second, I'd like to point out something that was pointed out to me in one of my fics: make sure to throw in action or descriptions between dialogue. It really helps to break it up and add a little "spice," if you will.

I really like this story. It's a good model for what a crossover should be like, and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for submitting this work!

[Fyn16]

Name of fanfiction: A Long-Lost Friend
Rating: 8.5/10
Because:

I actually reviewed this tale once before, but I wasn't very in-depth about it, so here's the nitty-gritty: I really like this script. From the start to the current finish point, I was intrigued. The characters were engaging, and the OCs were fresh and well thought-out. That said, here are a couple of things I feel could have been improved: there was a lot of talking. I know this is a movie script, but even small actions should be documented. Next, I feel the intro with the Spiketails could have been a bit more "dramatized." It was over pretty quickly, and I felt it kind of lacked emotion.

Overall, however, a very good story!

[Mumbling]

Thanks for the votes! There are 2 more weeks of voting left (will end together with the actual awards). If you have some spare time, the following 2 fanfictions will still need at least 1 review:

The Alternate Factor
Let Your Heart Guide You

[Fyn16]

I apologize, then. I can't rate "The Alternate Factor," because I am unable to access fanfiction.net. I'd still love to read it, but I will probably not get access in time. With that said- other people reading this post, try to get to fanfiction.net to review "The Alternate Factor." Everyone deserves a shot at these awards, and this story sounds good, so if you have the time, give it a read!

In addition, I also have a fic that requires at least one review, but that's secondary. I already have other fics entered here. Remember to review- time is running out!

[Mumbling]

My previous post wasn't just addressed to you, but also to others visiting this topic of course So yeah guys go vote for those!

[Fyn16]

Sorry about that. Some misunderstanding on my part.  

No hard feelings?

[Mumbling]

Sorry about that. Some misunderstanding on my part.  

No hard feelings?

Of course not ^^ It's great that you are willing to review even more fanfictions, I really appreciate that. It's simply confusing that 'you' in English can mean 1 person or everyone in the room  

[karkovice]

Name of fanfiction: Among Friends
Rating: 10/10
Review: This story is classic LBT, only with a little more violence than I remember from the movie or the TV show. The storyline, from begnning to end, followed a logical sequence. The Fastrunners from that valley evoked ancients tribes who did human sacrifices.

It also evokes the classis "racist" attitude flattooth had towards sharptooth. It was also quite refreshing to see another friendly sharptooth, other than Chomper.

Whoever wrote this did a fine job!

[karkovice]

Name of fanfiction: The Three Stone Of Life
Rating: 5/10
Review: I'm sorry to say, but this story needs more work.

If the author somehow reads this, let me state for the record that this is just a little constructive criticism. I've noticed many spelling and grammar mistakes in the chapters you've put up so far, which leaves the impression that English is not your first language. Am I correct in assuming that? If so, than I'm more perceptive than I give myself credit for.  

I will, however, give you an "A" for effort! The storyline does follow a logical sequence, which is what makes a good story work. Don't take what I say here like you would the word of God, though. I'm often very critical about such things and set high standards for myself. Others, though, may not. They may read your story and say "Awesome!" or "A-1"  

I thank you for your attention.

[Fyn16]

Name of Fanfiction: The Alternate Factor
Rating: 10/10
Because:

Wow.

Okay, there's a very good reason why this is the only perfect rating I've ever given: this is one of the best written and thought-out stories I've ever read. Ever. When I started writing, the first LBT fanfic I did was a Star Trek/LBT crossover, and I only wish it had been half as good as this.

Granted this is not, strictly speaking, a Star Trek fic, but it is heavily inspired by the series, and in fact, parallels it. Most stories that try this method fail, but in this case, the parallels actually add to the situational humor and believability. The story was engaging from start to finish, employing subplots to keep the reader engaged. It was a manageable length as well. I was able to read this within a day. There were no noticeable grammatical errors, either, kind of a pet peeve of mine.


If I were to suggest one little nitpicky thing to improve, it would be the beginning. There's really no lead-in explaining what happened before the gang arrived on the Enterprise. It would have been nice to see what their conversation before arriving on the ship would have been like... but I digress. Most Star Trek episodes don't do this either, so this has no bearing on my rating. Very good job, Karkovice! I raise a glass of Saurian brandy to thee for an outstanding tale!

[The Chronicler]

Name of fanfiction: The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend
Rating: 6/10
Review: This story has a lot of potential, but with barely more than an introduction done so far, there's not a lot of material for me give an accurate rating. I will say that it's nice to see your speculation of what the "next generation" would be like, especially with the idea of the name "Littlefoot" being a family tradition. Also, I'm pretty sure I already know who this "friendly sharptooth" really is.

[The Chronicler]

Name of fanfiction: Pterano's Deception: The Three Stones of Life
Rating: 5/10
Review: As others have already pointed out, there are a lot of spelling and grammar issues with this story. Maybe if you ask for a little advice, someone could help you improve the chapters a lot. (And don't be afraid to edit your earlier chapters to fix such errors.) As for the plot, I honestly have a hard time following it. It's almost like there's two vastly different stories going on (Pterano struggling to fit in with the Great Valley after the end of his banishment, and some flyer named Zoran going after... something), with virtually no connection between them. I'm sure that'll change later on in future chapters, but for now... I just have a hard time seeing a lot happening.

[The Chronicler]

Name of fanfiction: Impossible Reach
Rating: 8/10
Review: This is definitely among the better fanfics I've read lately. There may be a few grammar errors here and there, but nothing much to distract from the story.

The plot is rather interesting. The exile of those two runners taking a surprising toll on their parents to the point where their health is failing; quite a reason for the gang to go out and find those two again. Bringing in Cera's older sister was quite a nice addition. In the latest chapter is what I find one of the best moments of the whole story: Pterano personally telling the two runners about the past mistakes he made, and that he doesn't want them to make the same such mistakes. I anticipate this fanfic is almost over, so I can't wait to see how it ends.

[Mumbling]

Sadly the author of Impossible Reached is no longer on the Gang of Five and has not yet replied to my PMs asking for her to vote once in order to be eligible. I do hope for her to finish the story, since it's got a good rating so far, but sadly enough I don't expect her on the GoF anytime soon.

[The Chronicler]

Name of fanfiction: The Time Of Great Need
Rating: 8/10
Review: This is an interesting take on what life for the gang might be like when they're adults. It's not exactly what I would expect from the LBT canon, but the tribal cultures of each group is an interesting and believable concept.

Despite some minor grammar errors, I actually liked the plot. An epidemic on such a massive scale is certainly quite the challenge.

One thing that didn't quite satisfy me was having Spike be deceased for this story. I know, it's hard to include someone who doesn't talk, but I'm sure there were ways he could have contributed to the story in a few places. Other than that, not bad at all.


(There, I actually did it. I have now voted on at least one fanfic for each author. True, I ended up waiting until near the deadline of voting, but at least I was able to keep my promise this year. )