Epicly long review incoming!
Name of fanfiction: Quest for the Energy Stones
Rating: 7.5/10
Review: Before I started on this story, I was worried that you were going to be shoving Bionicle info down my throat the whole time. I was also worried that this story would be mostly focused on the Matorans, and that the LBT characters would play little real role in the story.
Fortunately, that didn't happen. The story started out slow, but I kind of liked that. I loved the long buildup to the main conflict, because I really enjoy first encounters. You know, two different groups of characters meeting for the first time, having to learn to live together, dealing with their differences, trying to get along; all of that kind of stuff. This story had a very mythical/mysterious/fantastical feel to it. Nearing the end of the story, I actually almost teared up a little bit. You just wrote a very good story, making me interested in the characters, so that I actually felt it when we had to say goodbye to all of them.
I liked how you incorporated a huge variety of LBT characters in this fiction. Having the Matorans meet the adults for a more diplomatic discussion was great. Also, bringing back a few one-off characters during the actual quest, such as Pterano, Ruby's family and Ali. The sub-plot you made around ruby's family was nice, as it came at a time when I was starting to get a little bored. It was a very exciting section that really rekindled my interest in the story. Well timed, I must say.
It was good that you mostly focused on the main Gang of Seven overall. I got what you said at the end of this story, about how this was their heroic quest, and how the Matoran's just helped them along the way. I might argue that Takua did a little more than that, but whatever. I LOVED all the conflict Cera created. That's what makes her such a great character. Like I've said multiple times, she's a good characters because she always makes the story more interesting, providing comic relief and also conflict hwere there isn't enough, and that's just what you used her for. I though Petrie learning tree-speak was quite funny (OH GOD NO!!! NOW HE TALKS WORSER!!!). You also handled Chomper well.
As for the Bionicle universe, I knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it when I first began this story. Coming into this story, I had to have my hand held for me for awhile, but you did a fine job of that. You slowly revealed about the Matoran's culture, lifestyle, mythos, ect. You really explained the Bionicle universe well I think, but you also didn't focus on it too much. I never felt like you were trying to shove it down my face.
I think you handled the Bionicle characters well, especially Takua. You displayed their personalities through their speech and through their actions. You showed how all of the Matoran characters are unique from each other, with a wide variety of personalities. You found many places through this long tale to fit these characters into, bringing them in to help Takua and the Gang on their quest. This also gave them an opportunity to shine. I didn't know that the Bionicle fiction had so many great characters. You made these characters very likable through all of this, making me want to learn more about the Bionicle universe. VERY good job on that, as I think that was one main goal of this work. (Right?)
(This paragraph is spoiling a part of the story) For the most part, I loved the story, but one BIG disappointment I had with the story was in retrieving the 5th energy stone. For this one, the Gang returned to the Island from the 5th movie. This got me really excited, due to how big a Chomper fan I am, but I was really disappointed with how this section of the story turned out. I was hoping to meet Chomper's parents again, but that didn't happen. It would have been okay if you explained why his parents weren't there anymore, but you didn't even do that! You did what the writers did for the TV series; leaving a big gaping hole in the plot, never explaining it. There was not even any real conversation or mention of Chomper's parents. Some comment from Takua, and then a reply from Chomper even would have added a lot.
The grammar wasn't THAT bad. I found a few mistakes here and there, but most of the time, nothing really jumped out at me. What I DID have a problem with though was with the writing style. I don't know if your just borrowing this style from the Bionicle books, but I just didn't like it. If I could describe it, I would just say that it's too wordy. a lot of your sentences run on for two long. You often state the same idea multiple times. I just find it makes it harder to read. It confused me sometimes, to the point where I had to reread a sentence to get the message. I would much rather prefer shorter, better worded sentences that got the same message across. I think that would be much easier and more fun to follow.
I know what I said in a review for another writer's fiction, but I liked these shorter chapters in this case. I think it was because even though they were short, they didn't seem rushed.
Overall, I really liked the story. Other than that awful bit, it was great. The weak part is the writing in my eyes. It's not really a problem with grammar or punctuation (Though there is room for improvement on that front) It was just the style you wrote the story in. Like I said earlier, I just didn't like it. I Debated all through my read-through of this story whether to give it a 7 or an 8. I finally settled on a 7.5. There are a lot of improvements you could make. Even then though, you have a good story, and that makes up for MOST of your other shortfalls. If someone at least has a good story, I'll be fair and give them at least a decent score. I'd recommend this story to any Bionicle or LBT fans, as it is a very interesting and fun read.
