Funniest Quotes You've Heard

[Vilstrup]

Washington "Caboose, throw that granade" he throws a granade

Caboose: throws granade into the wall in front of them, and it sticks to the wall

Washington: "That was the worst throw ever.... of all times"

Caboose: "Not my fault... someone put a wall in my way"

[Spartanguy88]

Team Fortress 2: Meet the Medic

Medic: ...wait, it gets better! When ze patient wakes up, his skelaton was missiong, and ze doctor was never heard from again!

(BOTH MEDIC AND HEAVY LAUGH)

Medic: Anyway... that's how I lost my medical license.

[Blitz]

Kirby: Oh, come off it! Be serious.
Toaster: I *am* serious!
Kirby: You're insane!
The Radio: Why, if we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved.
Toaster: What?
The Radio: Or maybe it was a basset hound.
Kirby: You're *all* insane!


- The Brave Little Toaster

[vonboy]

From Futurama

Amy: "Oh no! Fry's gone missing!"

Bender: "Well, I didn't kill him! Professor?"

Professor: "No, I've been busy!"



I just think that's the funniest excuse for not killing someone ever

[Spartanguy88]

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

*Scott is watching Ramona fight Roxie (The Fourth Evil Ex)

Scott: Wallace?

Wallace: Uh-huh?

Scott: This is happening right?

Wallace: Oh yeah. Kick her in the balls!

[Over and Under]

Don: Raph, everything ticks u off!

Raph: not everything!!........ Alright everything. TMNT    

[Spartanguy88]

Kung Fu Panda 2

Soothsayer: I see... I see... I see pain. (plucks out one of Shen's feathers)

Shen: Ow!

Soothsayer: And anger. (bites Shen's robe)

Shen: How dare you! That is the finest silk in the province!

Soothsayer: Followed by denial.

Shen: This is not fortune-telling! You're just saying what is happening right--

Soothsayer: Now?

[MrDrake]

Winston: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say YES!
- Ghostbusters

Zeke: Man I just saw this Hellacious explosion, what was that?
Cole: Um...I blew up the gas station...
Zeke: C'mon, man! Just because you can't drive, doesn't mean no one else wants to! We could have used that.
Cole: Like you wouldn't have done the same thing.
(Beat)
Zeke: ...TouchÈ, capitan.
- inFamous

[Spartanguy88]

Kung Fu Panda 2

Tigress: I hope this turns out better than your plan to cook rice in your stomach by eating it raw and then drinking boiling water.

Po: This plan is nothing like that plan.

Tigress: How?

Po: 'Cause this one's gonna work.

[MrDrake]

Cole: *about Kessler* Yet the thing that drove him forward...Kessler's sole link to the past, was a picture from his wedding day...when he married Trish, with Zeke as his best man...
- inFamous

[Adder]

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Bart: That dog's just f****d up.
---------------
[from a deleted scene]
Bart (referring to his mechanic who is a zombie now): **** you man! You did a s***** job! And look at you now!
---------------
Michael: So what's the plan?
CJ: The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of shut the f*** up.
Michael: That's one idea.
---------------
[from a deleted scene]
(Michael and Andre trying to open the mall's warehouse door, once open a zombie missing its lower half comes out, and they just stare)
Andre: That's...just crazy...
[They shoot the zombie]
---------------
[earlier in the scene above]
Michael: Open the door, I'll cover you. (Aims a 9MM revolver)
Andre (armed with a .45 CAL pistol): What?! This is your crazy a*s plan! You open the door!
Michael: Fine, I'll open it. [Pushes the door, and it fails to open] A little help?
Andre: Come on, man!



Even if what is going on in these scenes is supposed to be serious [except for the last two], I found these quotes to be hilarious.

[Spartanguy88]

Red vs Blue- Caboose Visits the Halo:Reach Campaign

*Caboose and Jorge are in the Sabre ship heading into space*

Caboose: I can't wait to start touching all of these buttons...

Jorge: Don't touch any buttons.

*Long Pause*

Caboose: ...Touch. *Touches button*
*Jorge gets sucked out into space*

Jorge: CABOOOOOOSEEEE...!

Caboose: Goodbye giant friend! Come back soon!
----------------------------------------------------------------
*The scene where Dr. Halsey gives Noble Six the AI unit*
Halsey: Do you have it?

Caboose: No, you won't let go.

Halsey: Say the words please.

Caboose: The words please.
----------------------------------------------------------------
*Caboose jumps over a sand dune near several other UNSC soldiers.*
Caboose: Man, that was super hard; don't try that.

Soldier: You jumped over a sand dune. It didn't look dangerous.

Caboose: Then how did I loose all my fingers?
*Holds up fist*

Soldier: What?!

Caboose: *Shows fingers* Just kidding!

Soldier: ****ing loser...

[The Chronicler]

Along with Mythbusters, another show that I find to have many funny quotes is Top Gear. (Just so we're clear, I'm referring to the one shown in America on the History Channel.)

Here's one that appears many times on that show by more than one person.
(As the three guys in their cars stop to park, one of them appears to intentionally rear-end the guy in front of him.)
(Whoever just got rear-ended): Really?

[MrDrake]

Ryan: (as one of Charlie's Angel's) I didn't bring any weapons
Colin: (as Bosley) My pants are full of 'em

Ryan: (as one of Charlie's Angel's) Quick shoot something out of your pants that will go over that wall
- Whose Line Is It Anyway[/i]

[Cancerian Tiger]

Saw IV, during the scene with Jigsaw and Cecil:

Jigsaw: "I could let you go. That wouldn't serve you. I'll tell you what I will do, though. I'll give you a tool to reclaim your life, to discard the vices that have so corrupted your soul."

Cecil: "I don't have a f***ing soul."

Jigsaw: "Maybe you will in the next life, Cecil. You see, things aren't sequential. Good doesn't lead to good, nor bad to bad. People who steal, don't get caught, live the good life. Others lie, cheat and get elected. Some people stop to help a stranded motorist and get taken out by a speeding semi. There's no accounting for it. How you play the cards you're dealt...that's all that matters. Look at me. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

Cecil: "Oh.  Yeah. I understand. You're f***in' nuts!"

Jigsaw sets a large helmet of knives in front of Cecil*

Cecil: "Whoa! What the f*** is that?!"

John: "It's the tool. The tool that's going to save your life. I want to play a game."

I'm not sure why, but Jigsaw's expression in response to being told he's nuts and Cecil's reation to the helmet of knives are quite funny in this scene.

[Belmont2500]

Time for some qoutes from the Nightmare On Elm Street series:

Dan: Krueger!

Freddy: Well, it ain't Dr. Seuss.
(A Nightmare On Elm Street 4)


Freddy: If the food don't kill ya, the service will.*laughs*
(A Nightmare on Elm Street 4)

Freddy: Hey, I beat my high score.*laughs*
(Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

Freddy: *Reveals a game controller on his glove* Hey! You forgot the Power Glove!
(Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

[Nintendoofah64]

From Conker's Bad Fur Day

Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?

Gregg the Grim Reaper: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before, mate? What, what am I supposed to look like?

Conker: Yeah, that's a good point, and well made

[MrDrake]

Vegeta: *sees Gohan transform* Oh no! The kid's a monkey! Destructo Disk!
Krillin: The f**k!?
- Dragon Ball Abridged

Doesn't help that the Destructo Disk is actually Krillin's move

[F-14 Ace]

In the Batman: TAS episode "The Last Laugh".

Batman crushes the Joker's robot clown henchman in a garbage compactor which results in one of the most epic Joker lines ever...

Joker: You killed Captain Clown!  YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!!!!



And he totally sounds serious and pissed off when he says it too, making it even more funny and a little scary.

[MrDrake]

Homer: Hello? Dominos? What do you mean you're not open? No! You call me back during business hours! No! I'll show you who's a recorded message!
- The Simpsons

I just heard that on TV and I almost chocked on what I was eating from laughing at that line XD