Funniest Quotes You've Heard

[Spartanguy88]

[Family Guy] *Last part edited*

Peter: Who would you start a small business with? Janet Reno after a Safari; or the fat guy from My Name is Earl?

Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question...

Peter: It is not.

Quagmire: Then what does a Safari have to do with it?!

Cleveland: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?

Peter: 651.

Cleveland: That's not bad...

Joe: Better than mine.

Cleveland: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with one myself?

Peter: He's got an idea, it's just not quite there yet.

Quagmire: I gotta give this one to Janet Reno; because I've always had this business plan for home deliveries of prescription medications and that really seems more her market.

Joe: This is stupid. I WANNA TALK ABOUT HOT CHICKS!!!!!!

[Ptyra]

My grandmother has a magenant on her refrigeratior. It is a sheep. Written on it, it says "Ewe is not fat. Ewe is fluffy"

[f-22 "raptor" ace]

Osean G Company D: Uh, this is Company D. I have a favor to ask...could you bomb our monster of a Captain from the air for us?
Blaze: No
Osean G Company D: Ah, heh, I was just kidding...Psst, Lance, the plan failed. We gotta think of something else.

[Spartanguy88]

-Red vs Blue: Election News-

Bill: Wait a second! Standoff. Standoff apparently has seven players!

Jim: You don't say.

Bill: Seven players on Standoff. It's an uneven number; that means we're gonna have a tie breaker-!

Jim: Bill, I hate to interupt you; but I have breaking news...

*Graphic of Campaign 2552 appears*

Jim: I've just been told that we have a major development of Standoff of all places. For more information let's go to Bill Jenkins in the results room. Bill?

Bill: Jim, you're interupting my report to cut to my report. What the hell is the matter with you?

Jim: We had to use the graphic Bill.

Bill: I hate you Jim. I hate this job.

[TheNumberOneShmuck]

"You ever try to drink wine out of anything but a wine glass? You feel like a drunk! 'Hey, could you refill my Yahtzee shaker? Hit the sippy cup while you're at it.'" - Jim Gaffigan

[Spartanguy88]

-Red vs Blue: Grifball PSA-

Sarge: Why hello! I'm Sarge from the popular web series, "Red vs Blue."

Caboose: And I'm, standing next to him!

Sarge: You know the world of professional sports has seen some very unsportsmanlike conduct recenty. Drug use is rampant; players' salaries are obscene...

Caboose: And tennis is still boring.

[Over and Under]

Lyrics- Old Godzilla was hopping around
Tokyo City like a big playground
when suddenly Batman burst from the shade
and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade
Godzilla got mad and began to attack
but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq
who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu
when Aaron Carter came out of the blue

and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal
then they both got flattened by the Batmobile
but before it could make it back to the Batcave
Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave
and took an AK47 out from under his hat
and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat
but he ran out of bullets and he ran away
because Optimus Prime came to save the day

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime
like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
and then Shaq came back covered in a tire track
but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back
and Batman was injured, and trying to get steady
when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete
but suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped
Indiana Jones took him out with his whip

then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind
and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find
'cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed
and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist
then he jumped in the air and did a summersault
while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault
onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air
then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare, oooh

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...

angels sang out in immaculate chorus
down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
who deliver a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of Indiana Jones
who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne
but Chuck saw through his clever disguise
and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ...
it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw
with civilians looking on total awe

and the fight raged on for a century
many lives were claimed, but eventually
the champion stood, the rest saw their better:
Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater

this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
this is the Ultimate Showdown...
of Ultimate Destiny
Category:  Comedy

Tags:  The  Ultimate  Showdown  of  Destiny  

[f-22 "raptor" ace]

ReVS Blue Reconstruction chapter 16
*Warning Spoilers!*
Agent Washington:Church you're one of them. You're an AI. You are the alpha.

[Spartanguy88]

-The Simpsons Game-

Lisa: Dad, we have to insert the Sparkomon into the slots!

Homer: Lisa, don't tell me how to use a toilet. Would you tell Chuck Yager how to fly a plane?

[Over and Under]

mario: He's showing a plumbler how a garbage disposal works??"        Super Mario Bros Show

[Spartanguy88]

-Red vs Blue Achievements PSA-

Caboose: I also have my own achievables!

Simmons: Shut up Blue; we haven't even made any for you guys yet.

Caboose: Yes you have. See? Bleep Bloop.

You Got Achievables

Simmons: That's not a real Achievement.

Caboose: Yes it is. Bleep Bloop.

10 pts. Yes It Is

Simmons: No! You can't do that! You can't say the Achievements, they have to be approved!

Achievement Unlocked: 20G- Wahmbulance: Whine like a b****

Caboose: Bleep Bloop.

Simmons: Stop saying "Bleep Bloop."

Caboose: Bleep Bloop!
BLEEP BLOOP

Simmons: Stop it!

Caboose: Bleep Bloop!
BLEEP BLOOP

Simmons: STOP IT!!!!

Caboose: Bleep Bloop!
BLOOP BLOOP

Simmons: Alright, that's it; I quit.

Caboose: Bleep Bloop! I have so many achievables!
DADOP DOOP

[LBTFan13]

Family Guy Season Premiere!

Lorretta finds Cleveland and apologizes for cheating on him and wants to come back to him

Cleveland: I'm not meteorologist, but I think it's raining bitches!

Possibly his best line ever!!!!!!!!!

[Spartanguy88]

-Red vs Blue: Rock Bottom-

Simmons: We don't know the full details, but apparently: People buying houses they couldn't afford with money they didn't have from banks that weren't paying attention is apparently a bad thing.

Grif: Who knew?

[Ptyra]

Me: (to my student teacher in English) I can see why the Gone With the Wind sequel was a flop. It didn't have Clark Gable (quietly) To me, he makes Zac Efron look like a total moose!

It's true you know. If Gable were the Peacock and Zac Efron were a moose...I'd approach the peacock  :

[Spartanguy88]

-Red vs Blue-

Simmons: Hello weary traveler. We represent the timeline.

Sarge: I am the Past: Where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work; but they only lived to be 40 years old!

Simmons: And I am the Future: Where people had no morals; but we had a ton of kick ass gadgets.

Grif: And I'm the Present: Which sucks. We have nothing cool and no morals.

[The Chronicler]

more Mythbusters quotes:

Adam: (holding to two small containers which the labels have been blurred by the camera) This ingredient is blur. This ingredient is also blur. Blur is very dangerous. You never want to mix blur with blur.
___

Jaime: (referring to the car with a rocket sticking out of the trunk) Go ahead and tailgate. See if I care.
___

Jaime: (yelling over the noise of a noisy experiment) The neighbors might think it's cool to live next-door to the Mythbusters. That might change.

[Spartanguy88]

-Battlefield Bad Company-

Haggard: So what are we gonna do Sarge? Are we just gonna run straight through the enemy lines?

Sweetwater: Yeah Haggard, that's a great idea; Or... we can use the vehicle over there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Haggard: I've been thinking about Miss July, how do you know she's good looking? I have this cousin who has a beautiful voice, but a face like a can of dog food.

Sweetwater: Is that the one you dated?

Haggard: Yup.

Sweetwater: ...Cool.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweetwater: I wonder what Miss July would do for a weekend getaway...

Haggard: You wouldn't even have the guts to ask her.

Sarge: This is a war Sweetwater, you don't just get time off.

Sweetwater: Yeah, well this war is gonna end someday...

Haggard: Wash your mouth out with soap!

     

[Petrie.]

more Mythbusters quotes:

Adam: (holding to two small containers which the labels have been blurred by the camera) This ingredient is blur. This ingredient is also blur. Blur is very dangerous. You never want to mix blur with blur.
___

Jaime: (referring to the car with a rocket sticking out of the trunk) Go ahead and tailgate. See if I care.
___

Jaime: (yelling over the noise of a noisy experiment) The neighbors might think it's cool to live next-door to the Mythbusters. That might change.

Some really funny stuff comes out of that show.  

[f-22 "raptor" ace]

Some funny ones from M*A*S*H

Klinger (reading an alleged letter from home): "Dear Son"--
Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Henry (pulling out Klinger's file): Here we go. Father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry (going through letters in Klinger's file): Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. (puts file down) Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.


Igor: We have liver or fish.
Hawkeye: I didn't hear you say that, because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day! The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds! I simply cannot eat the same food every day! Fish, liver, day after day! I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! Are we gonna stand for this?! Are we gonna let them do this to us?! No! I say, no!! We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore!! (He hurls the food on his tray towards the tent screen where Klinger and Radar are sitting. They both duck.) WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!
(Hawkeye gets everyone else in the mess tent to join in the chant)
Hawkeye & everybody in mess tent: WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!
(Hawkeye jumps up on top of one of the tables)
Hawkeye: Draftees of the world arise!!! You have nothing to lose but your cookies!!!

[Spartanguy88]

Battlefield Bad Company: Sweetwater's Blog


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68zoNHHnyAY